There is one right no man wishes to lose – independence. That’s why many fear committing to a serious relationship. He knows once he loses his independence, he can’t date other women, nor hang out with the boys, as and when he wishes. Most men will cling to their freedom for as long as they can, especially when in doubt of the person they are dating or the circumstances. Most men are phobic about losing their personal freedom. Selfish you might say but few will wish to be answerable to another soul. Call them commitment cowards.
Are you telling me I can no longer have my time with the boys just because Josephine is waiting at home? You want me to throw to the dogs that thrill of a carefree life? Sleeping on a chair with my head on the bar table, or spending time at one of the boy’s one-roomed house? That’s freedom at its peak – no one to ask you where you spent the night, or complain that you don’t care about them any more.
No man wants to have their fun with the boys pulled off under their feet. Life will be too boring. Being single feels much better than having some girl who keeps calling asking where you are and when you intend to get home. Men call this nagging, but to women it’s caring. Woe unto you if there are kids who need to be assisted with homework. The nagging (sorry caring) will not stop.
The yet-to-commit coward often has something to justify his actions. He’s not amused by the headline news of a distraught man who slit his wife’s throat before committing suicide to escape the long arm of the law. He doesn’t understand why this man married in the first place. He says to himself: “If this is what marriage entails, then let me have permanent fun dating whom I want, when I want.”
He finds many reasons to convince himself that none of his current relationships – not one, not two – would work in marriage. “If so many marriages are not working, as evidenced by high divorce and separation rates, who says mine, if at all it happens, will work?” he asks. He decides to play it safe and stay uncommitted to the disappointment of the woman in his life.
You may not believe it but this commitment coward doesn’t get into the dating scene with serious intentions. He gets there just to have fun without any strings attached. The more girls he dates, the better, as long as no one talks about a serious relationship – not just yet!
Don’t blame this commitment phobia on men alone. Women ought to know men are not mind readers. They don’t understand your needs unless you express them. Prompt him to say something if you are uncomfortable with his silence. Don’t just sit there wondering what’s wrong with this dude who just lavishes you with gifts and never expresses his intentions. If you are thinking about commitment and it’s not forthcoming, do something or say something. Don’t expect him to know what you want and act accordingly. And the more he says nothing, the more frustrated you get.
No woman should expect a man to talk commitment when all he wants is to have fun. If I were you, young lady, when commitment seems like the last thing that in his mind, I would prod and communicate my feelings. Draw him into a discussion about your wish to settle down someday, and watch his reaction. Sometimes all that this fun-loving, happy-go-lucky guy needs is some prodding.
If you suspect he is seeing another woman, turn a blind eye. Convince yourself you are the only one who matters. Give him reasons to accept that you are the ideal woman for him; the pearl of his heart, and time has come for him to stop being on the prowl throwing his darts everywhere. You never know, this may be just what he’s been waiting for – some little convincing.
Understand that making a decision one way or the other is not always a walk in the park. It requires putting priorities right, and may be, just may be, you could become part of his priorities if you hinted that the clock was ticking for both of you. You might just jostle him out of his cowardly stupor.
However, the worst thing a woman can do is to nag a man out of his commitment phobic state. Acting strange or nagging and begging for attention will only push him away from you and before you know it, he has gone permanently silent on you. So go easy on him and lovingly try to find out what is cooking in his mind. If you feel concerned, pack him in a quiet place, away from your battleground and discuss your concerns freely. You never know, your patience and continued love might just be the recipe to drive him into your heart.
What of this phobic who is struggling with some unresolved pain in his past that prevents him from committing? What his former girlfriend did to him is unforgettable. He doesn’t want to go through it again. Still, there is this other one who suffered the pangs of his parent’s divorce and still believes marriage can’t work and hence is afraid of settling down. These are hard nuts to crack, mum, but good luck anyway.
There is this young man I know, who at one time was watching a wedding show programme on TV in a public place. Out of the blue, he stood up and declared that he wished all that money wasted on the wedding was given to him. He was speaking for many. Lavish weddings may be the very reason some men have become commitment phobic. To spend all that money in one day then be expected to provide for wife and kids for the rest of your life? No way. Let me keep my freedom.