Many people make love as though they are accelerating speed from zero to eighty miles an hour in thirty seconds, and then screeching to a halt. This kind of roller coaster sex wears out the body. Usually when you finish, you feel ‘spent out’, fatigued, and very attracted to the idea of a nice nap. You need to learn to ride the waves of love if you want to enjoy your lovemaking. We tell you how.
The way you behave in the bedroom reinforces the way you behave outside the bedroom. The pattern your sexual energy follows in the bedroom may repeat itself in the pattern your relationships and life in general follow outside the bedroom. This means that the roller coaster sex may create roller coaster moods and roller coaster arguments in your relationships outside the bedroom. It will also be displayed in the way you do things and react to situations. The solution is to begin to master your sexual energy so that it serves you in every way, contributing to your personal power, not depleting it. And the first step is to understand the habits of your sexual energy.
The pleasure wave…
Science teaches us that all energy moves in waves. Because it is also energy, sexual pleasure can operate in the same way. Have you ever made love and felt as if a wave of pleasure had swept over you? That was a pleasure wave. It has two parts:
The rise: The first part of the wave is felt as an increase in pleasure. Pleasure continues to build until it reaches a peak.
The fall: The second part of the wave is felt as a decrease in pleasure. Pleasure has momentarily stopped increasing, giving you the sensation that the pleasure is decreasing.
If you don’t interfere with the pleasure waves they will continue to flow, each one a little bigger than the last, building in energy and intensity.
When you are making love and that first wave of pleasure rises, it feels wonderful and you wish it doesn’t go away. And then at some point, may be only for ten seconds, the intensity of pleasure seems to lessen and you think maybe he moved his hand to the wrong position or maybe you should try a different position, or maybe you are becoming turned off. In other words, you panic. You think you won’t recapture that powerful pleasure. So what do you do? You try harder to create more pleasure. You move faster, touch harder, moan louder, and ask for more stimulation, all in the hope of prolonging that feeling. But by doing so you have just interfered with the natural pleasure cycle.
Your body was experiencing the second part of the cycle – the fall. The fall of the pleasure wave is not something to avoid – it serves two very important functions in lovemaking. First, the decrease in pleasure gives the body time to rest, to intergrade all of that powerful sexual energy so the body doesn’t get overloaded and have to release the energy prematurely.
Nature works in cycles of rest and activity. The sun shines during the day while we are active and then disappears at night, so that we can rest. Our bodies also work in cycles – and sex is no exception. There is a time to make love and a time to rest. Your body’s energy will dictate these cycles.
Second, the decrease in pleasure provides you and your partner with the opportunity to increase your intimacy. When the pleasure cycle is in its fall phase, this is the natural time to focus on increasing your love energy. With less distraction from increasing sexual sensations, you can take this time to reconnect with your partner emotionally, to express your love and share your feelings.
This is also the time when you can learn to make use of the second energy tank – the emotional one. When you share with your partner on an emotional level, you open the channel for the sexual energy to flow up and be transformed into love energy, thus making room for more sexual energy when the next wave rises.
Making sure you are sexually balanced…
Each phase of the sexual wave balances the other. The rise phase takes in sexual energy and the fall phase integrates the energy, making room for more. Each part of the cycle is essential to keep the body in balance. If you can make love with equal amount of pleasure and intimacy, your lovemaking will be free of tension, and your body can enjoy greater amounts of energy.
You notice you are off balance if when sensations start to settle down a little you start trying to increase the pleasure and make it just as intense as it was a few seconds before. You should stop doing this as you are creating tension in your body by trying to keep your wave going up like a roller coaster when it naturally wants to settle down and balance itself. Whenever you are trying to create more pleasure because it feels like what you have is not enough, that is the time to pause and connect emotionally with your partner. That is the time to express your love in words and say all the nice things you have been wishing to tell each other. That is the time to tell each other how you both felt.
In other words, learn to ride the waves of love. Allow yourself to relax and settle down when the pleasure settles down. The next wave will be along soon, and it will be even bigger than the first. And the third will be bigger than the second. You don’t have to do anything to create the pleasure – it’s all there waiting for you if you just let it flow through you without trying to control it. Don’t try to force anything or repeat a sensation you just experienced.
Sometimes the downward phase of the wave lasts only ten seconds, sometimes a minute or two. It all depends on how aroused you are and how much time your body needs to integrate the energy from your sexual tank into your emotional tank.
If you stay in tune with the natural cycles of increasing sexual energy alternating with increasing love energy, lovemaking will feel effortless and completely satisfying. There are four warning signs, which tell you when you are fighting the waves and that you need to relax and stop trying to create the pleasure.
1. Thinking about time. How long has it been since we started making love? How much longer do I need to do this before she comes? How long will it take me to come? How long will I continue faking enjoyment? Thinking about time is a sure sign that you are looking outside of the moment for something and that where you are is not enough. The wave is on its way down, and you are up there trying to make something happen. Just ease off a little and let the wave take its own time.
2. Feeling that what is happening is not enough. I wish he would touch me harder. I wish I were more turned on. This is okay but could be better. I want more. If your lovemaking has been going well, but suddenly you start to feel that it is not enough, you probably are at the peak of a pleasure wave, and the wave is settling down. You may feel cheated, as though you want more. This is not the time to work to creating more pleasure, but to trust that it will be back soon. Hold your partner tightly and let the love be enough.
3. Your mind is wandering. I wonder what I should wear to work tomorrow? I have a report due in tomorrow. After we finish making love, I would like to have glass of wine or a cup of tea. If in the middle of lovemaking, your experience of passion turns into thoughts of wine or the dress you shall wear tomorrow, you probably just missed the downward side of a wave. When your mind wanders, it is looking for something, and that something is the intimate connection you have with your partner. Let yourself be absorbed into your heart – get out of your head, and save the wine for later.
4. You are making comparisons. It felt better a few minutes ago. I liked how he did it last night better. She seemed more responsive when we started than she does now. My previous partner was more gentle. Your mind is comparing what you have now with previous experiences because now doesn’t feel like enough. Stop comparing and let go off your search for even more stimulation – it will come back soon. Relax and reach out to your partner and let the love energy reconnect you with what is going on at that moment.
When you fight the waves…
The four stages of the sexual experience include the excitement stage when sexual energy is building; the plateau phase when sexual energy has reached a plateau – not decreasing but not increasing either; the orgasm phase which is the release of maximum sexual tension; and the resolution phase which is the return to a non-stimulated state.
When you start to make love your energy wave begins to rise naturally due to the attraction and affection you have for one another. The natural cycle of sexual energy and pleasure starts to pick, but for couples who fight the wave, when they notice a lull in the excitement and stimulation they try harder. Although they don’t get much more aroused, they still attempt to hold onto what they have. Because they don’t stop and take time to integrate all that intense sexual energy by balancing it with love energy, they find themselves hit with a great big pleasure wave. This throws their systems off balance – their tanks are already almost full of the pleasure they have been holding on to tightly, and there is no room for more. So their energy levels rise drastically, resulting in a dramatic orgasm and ejaculation. When they finish making love they talk a little and fall asleep because they are so exhausted.
For couples who don’t fight the wave, on noticing the lull they decide to flow with the natural downswing of the wave. They stop moving for a moment and hold each other, feeling the emotional energy that has been building between them during the sexual excitement. As they lie together, they feel intimacy deepening. When this couple feels the new wave rising inside of them, together they experience new heights of pleasure and joy. They have no problem handling the new increase in “voltage’ since they took the time to balance it with intimacy.
This couple continues to ride the waves of pleasure and intimacy, reaching higher and higher levels each time. Long after the other couple that fights the wave has fallen asleep, this couple is still making love. They will stop at some point, when they chose to, or when their bodies are so saturated with energy that they experience orgasm and ejaculation.
The first couple’s lovemaking is very goal-oriented and does not use the hidden power of sexual energy to create the highest lovemaking experience possible. Conscious lovemaking is like a spiral – a wave spiraling outward, ever expanding without a sense of beginning, middle, and end. The first couple has sex for fulfillment – looking for a specific experience. The second couple is conscious of their lovemaking and gets sex from fulfillment – finding the fulfillment in every moment, in each cycle of the energy, and most of all, in the love shared between two people, full and complete to begin with and seeking nothing except love’s celebration.
Published on September 2013