DEAR DIARY 6: STATUS UPDATE

DEAR DIARY,

I haven’t written in a while and I apologise. Life has been moving at a speed of wueh Km/hr. and I have been holding on for dear life. So, let me catch you up.

In the three weeks that I have gone missing, I was focused on exams. It sounds insignificant and minute but they have occupied my every single thought since late November. I sat for my first paper on 1^st December which means that I had one week to prepare, seat and recover from the exams. At the end of the week, I was tired and fatigued. But they say that education is the key to success and however true these words are, remains to be seen. The January- April semester is almost here and we try again. This, is me trusting the process. On to other matters now.

I have not held my son as he sleeps in a long time and the other day, I got a chance to. The scent of fabric softener and his body lotion triggered the release of endorphins and I was taken back to a time when holding him in my arms as he slept was a normal thing. I was reminded that at a time when my hormones were all over the place, I was always angry and my mood could change in seconds, smelling my son would always make me feel better. It didn’t matter that he was constantly fussy and crying, in those moments when he was asleep, I was at peace and all was well with the world. So, in this moment where this not so little boy was asleep in my arms, staring at him got me thinking. About how, perhaps, it wouldn’t be so bad if I have another. Finances be damned and all negative thoughts at a standstill. Would it really be so bad if I have another one?

I know what you must think at this point. That I have gone completely mental. I honestly think so too because it’s only two years ago that I swore I wouldn’t go through the pain of child bearing again. When I said this the first time, my mother let out a laugh and said “we’ll see”. I was hoping to have the last laugh but it appears, I’m on the losing side of this and a “I told you so” lies at the end of this journey. I even remember asking my grandmother how she could go through the birth of her first child and proceed to have five more and her answer lives with me till date. She said that the brain forgets. That it is designed to shield us from all that pain and focus on the outcome. If, like me, you have been wondering how these women sired twelve children, this, is it.

My grandmother was right. Because today, I keep waiting for my son to fall asleep so that I can smell his head, be at peace and one wih the world. Very egocentric of me. I’m aware. But it is in this moment that I see how I survived the storm and how I can find it in me again, to go through it again. (Under better circumstances of course). I keep thinking that perhaps, I was too quick to dismiss the barbie dream house. That it would be refreshing to come home to my husband and children, as opposed to parents and siblings. I want my person, so we can create a team together. I wouldn’t go as far as to say a little league because in this economy, it will be impossible! I know I said I don’t want that 3000 square foot house in Malibu overlooking the ocean but raising my family in this utopia would heal my soul. But don’t you judge me too quickly, I find hope in the darkest of days and focus on the brightest.

With Love,
Mitchelle.