How Do I Tell my Wife our Sex Life Sucks?

Q I am married and my wife and I have what I would call a good marriage. However, I feel our sex life could do with a little shake-up. For instance, I would like it to be adventurous especially in terms of sex positions and unpredictable venues. But how do I tell my wife I’m not satisfied with our sex life and convince her we explore more without making her feel bad about it?
Concerned husband

A After a while, even the perfect marriage and sexual relationship for that matter goes through a dip. According to experts, love’s initial romantic stages last from 18 months to three years. That means for the rest of the marriage, a couple needs to work hard to keep those bedroom fires ablaze!

When sexual matters are not handled carefully, they can become a sore point or even escalate and evolve into an unhealthy relationship such as a sexless marriage (typically defined as a relationship where couples have sex less than 10 times a year!). It can also be used as a conduit for cheating either emotionally or physically.

In such a conservative society as ours where talking matters sex and related topics is still taboo, the fear that your changed tastes or preferences may be misconstrued to mean something else other than genuine interest is understandable.

However, it doesn’t have to be. Here are some tips on how to switch things up between the sheets with your spouse!

Talk: All couples ascribe and attest to one similar winning formula imperative to the longevity of a happy marriage – communication. You need to open up to your wife. This not only tests individual level of openness, but may also serve to strengthen your trust and bond in each other. However, if you are going to take this approach, then you need to be gentle.

Do not place blame on your spouse; instead, ask general questions on how you both feel about your sex life. Take a sex quiz (you can download from the Internet) and have an open discussion about your answers. You might be surprised to know she may like a tweak or two when it comes to certain areas. Discuss various ways you can also make sex more wholesome, enriching and a fulfilling experience for both of you.

Suggest a sex class: If it’s too difficult to talk about changing your sex life, suggest ways of sizzling your bedroom vibes with a sex class and explore. Many counsellors or sex therapists incorporate exercises that can help couples not only freely speak of their sex life, but also explore their needs, desires and fantasies. That may be the perfect icebreaker to move your sex life to the next level.

Subtle hints: If talking to your spouse or checking into a class is not your cup of tea, then give subtle hints. Pick up a magazine dealing with sex issues, gift her a book on the same or get a racy movie (proceed with caution here, as you do not want to send the wrong signal!) and watch it together whilst reading her body language or comments on the same. If she starts talking about it, therein lays your chance to bare it all, pun intended, eventually!

Be spontaneous: Ever heard the phrase, don’t tell me just show me? Sometimes the best answer may be to take the bull by its horns and simply dive in. The key to winning this strategy, however, is to put her needs first. If it means taking the long way to the destination, do it. Woo her. Take her out to dinner, schedule some alone time for the two of you, leave her some love notes… just do what it takes to set the mood and once she is mellow, go for the kill!

Tread carefully though: Once more, if you are going to try something new, you need to start slow and then build on it. Remember; before you get your end of the bargain, she needs to get hers first!  Once she is comfortable and there is some wiggle room, surprise her – in a good way of course – and hopefully this will be the start of a whole new, vibrant, more fulfilling sex chapter for you and your wife! Good luck! 

Published in November 2016