1. Making love means having intercourse
The belief that making love means having intercourse translates that anything else we do isn’t the real thing. That’s why foreplay is called foreplay – it is warming up for the ‘goal’ – having intercourse. There is nothing wrong with intercourse, but if you think that the goal of lovemaking is intercourse, you have already fallen into two traps. You deny yourself and you partner innumerable opportunities to make love. ‘Why bother if we don’t go ‘all the way’? You also become goal oriented during lovemaking. You work so hard for the ‘prize’ and in the process miss all the joy of getting there.
Sex is not a game of beat the clock. Every moment of lovemaking can be fulfilling if you are sharing and expressing love with your partner. And don’t wait until the moment of intercourse to share that love deeply. You will find that with less pressure on intercourse to be the ultimate high, the whole experience of lovemaking becomes more pleasurable and deeply fulfilling. You will find great pleasure in having romantic moments just sharing your love for each other, holding hands, embracing each other and kissing. By sharing these intimate moments, you have already made love and if you end up having intercourse, it becomes a bonus.
2. The purpose of making love is to have an orgasm
Thinking that the purpose of making love is to have an orgasm is a major trap many people fall into. If you have ever wished your partner would ‘hurry up and come’ so you could stop, or felt angry at a partner taking too long, or felt like a failure when you didn’t come, or felt like a failure when your partner didn’t come, or felt frustrated at you partner thinking ‘if he keeps this up, I will never come’, then you have certainly fallen into this trap.
There is nothing wrong with orgasm. Orgasm is the natural release of built-up sexual energy in the body. It feels great. But it certainly is not the whole picture. And it certainly is not the purpose of making love. The purpose of making love is to share and express love with your partner. This can be accomplished with or without an orgasm. Many people have given so much of their power away to that little five-second energy release called orgasm and therefore fail to enjoy real love making.
Breaking this sexual habit means realising that making love, when approached with complete love and openness, is in itself an orgasmic experience and the idea of only sexual orgasm actually becomes a limitation. If you practice good sexual techniques and allow yourself to experience sex from fulfillment, not sex for fulfillment, then the lovemaking experience from the first glance to the last goodnight kiss will be the magical experience you dream of. You will enjoy every minute of your time together and not just that moment of release.
3. If my partner really loves me, he will know just what to do to make sex wonderful for me
Some of us expect our partners to be mind readers and to know exactly what we want. This puts tremendous amount of pressure on your partner, and it is unrealistic. Give up ‘psychic sex’ and tell your loved one gently what you like and dislike. Falling into this sexual trap can lead to resentment and frustration for both you and your partner.
Many people hope their partners will read their minds when they are making love so they don’t have to take the risk of asking for what they really want, or expressing how they feel. You may fall into this category if you know what really turns you on but you don’t tell your partner. Or you don’t come out and tell your partner when you are in the mood to make love, but let your partner know you are interested by how you behave in bed, or by ‘hinting around’ when you like something your partner is doing to you sexually. Or you don’t show him how excited you are or let him know what he’s doing right, or are on the quiet side when you make love, and don’t make much noise or express your feelings in any way.
You have also fallen into this trap if when you don’t like something your partner is doing to you sexually, you move your body away or lie there not responding, rather than telling your partner you would rather he does something else. Or you get impatient because your partner doesn’t know the ‘right’ way to touch you. Or you don’t say ‘romantic’ things during your lovemaking; or when you feel like stopping your lovemaking, you don’t tell your partner directly, but respond less, hoping he will get the message; or you think talking during sexual play ‘ruins’ the mood.
If most or some of these statements apply to you, you may be relying too much on your partner reading your mind when you make love. The result will be built-up resentment, frustration, and a decrease of passion in your relationship. The solution is to communicate with your partner about what you like and don’t like, what you are afraid of and what makes lovemaking good for you. It is unfair to expect your partner to know what makes you feel good if you don’t express it.
4. Novelty is the key to an exciting sex life
You become a victim of this trap believing that most sex lives between couples fail due to lack of variety and novelty. You expect each lovemaking experience to be different if when you have not done much to make it different. You begin to lose interest in your partner and believe that it is because there is no variety in your lovemaking. You will tire of a partner when you stop actively loving him or her. When we really pay attention to our partner, we remember why we fell in love with them in the first place and don’t judge them harshly.
The problem is that most of us stop paying attention to our lover once we ‘get’ him or her, and soon the magic wears off. The problem is not with the person, but with the way in which we learn to look at that person. How many times have you been in a new relationship and said to your partner, ‘I can’t believe your partner left you. He or she must have been crazy or blind.’ What you are really saying is, ‘your ex must have stopped paying attention’.
It’s not really that difficult to learn to pay complete attention. We all do it with our children? Have you ever watched a parent play with their child? The parent seems fascinated and totally in love with his child; never bored because he is paying attention to someone he loves, and that is always exciting. If you can think your child is cute each time he does the same thing, you certainly can choose to stay excited with your partner year after year. Learn to look at those you love with new eyes every day. Appreciate them every day and let them know you love and care for them.
5. Sex shouldn’t be planned – it should just happen
This essentially means it is unromantic to plan for sex; it should just occur. You and your lover should be sitting around after dinner, glance over at each other, and suddenly be seized with passion and retreat to the bedroom. This doesn’t always happen. You must make time for sex. And making time means planning. Many people detest the word planning, thinking it suggests boredom. Because of the predictability, planning time for lovemaking means creating the opportunity for it to happen. It doesn’t mean forcing it to happen.
When your partner schedules time to be with you intimately, you feel very special and loved. Sometimes it turns out to be a wonderful ritual, simply because you put more effort and care into it than normal. And sometimes you will have high expectations, but may end up falling asleep altogether. That’s lovemaking, too, especially when you share a good laugh about it in the morning. Sometimes even in the midst of your busy schedules, sex does just ‘happen’ or can be planned. What do you do then? Take the phone off the hook and make love, or close the door and retreat to the bedroom or take an afternoon off.
Published in November 2013