Getting Down to Good Sex THE ‘DO-IT’ LIST    

Having good sex requires strategy and specific techniques. It does not just happen. Here are some underlying strategies that could help bring back some zest into your sex life.

Be a generous lover. The more you give, the more you get. Don’t hoard it. It’s of no use to you without your partner. Share it with the one you love to reap full benefits.

Have your mind on the matter at hand. Be true, be engaged, and be with your partner. You shouldn’t be thinking about your bank account, your work or the ‘other lover’ when you are making love. Be in the present. Be there fully – body and mind.

Hold the intension. Be fully committed to sharing the experience and exchanging energy with your partner.

Honour your body and your sexuality. Be proud of who you are and have respect for your body and your partner’s. People who are satisfied with their sexuality are better and more responsive lovers.

Aim for variety, creativity and surprise. Get your whole body involved. Be creative. Experiment. Try different sex positions. Surprise your partner with sex at the most unexpected place or time. Don’t settle for monotonous and boring sex.

Take care of your well-being. Be in touch with your physical and emotional well-being, as well as your partner’s. Go for health check-ups, don’t ignore any symptoms and find time to relax. Also, don’t forget the well-being of your relationship. Nurture it to good health all the time.

Have a spiritual or meditative practice. Activities like meditation, yoga, and even just devotion to virtuous living will enhance your sexual practices as well, mostly by giving you easier access to connecting at a deeper level with your partner.

Know yourself. You are going to be able to truly connect with someone else only to the degree that you connect with you – your body and self. Know who you are and accept yourself – your body, sexuality, religious beliefs, social status, ethnic, education and economic background.

Accept sex is not always perfect. Know you won’t form a perfect union each and every time you have sex. It’s the total effect over time that really counts, not that one-time experience.

Remember sex can be transcendent. But don’t wait to have it until you are sure that’s what you are going to get. It won’t be that way every single time; the key is just to be open to it when and if it should occur.

Focus on the sex, not on the orgasm. You want to avoid being goal oriented in any way when it comes to sex. Peak orgasmic intensity is not going to happen every time you have sex anyway, nor, for some people, does orgasm happen at all. Seeking solely for orgasm will lead to imbalance and you will miss out on the good stuff of having sex and enjoying the connection – being one with your partner.

Choose regular sex over occasional but explosive sex. Sexual intensity will vary from time to time. There is no point in waiting around for the absolute most perfect conditions. Sometimes a couple simply needs to have just some sex – for their bodies to connect. Then later they can fine-tune how well they do so. Once you are having really good sex, you might be satisfied with fewer but deeper encounters. And quality is far more important than quantity. But as the sex gets better, you may want more of it. And under the law of ‘practice-makes-perfect’, the more sex you have, the better at it you will be.

Experience the emotion. Rather than focusing solely on the physical aspects of a sexual encounter, try and get the emotional connection with your partner. But don’t put all your attention on the emotional or spiritual parts at the expense of physical pleasure, either. Like so much else in life, sex is a matter of striving for balance.

Live a passionate life in general. When you do this, some of the passion will flow into your sex life. Make time for the stuff you love – activities or people or places – and pause to take stock of all that you are grateful for. Passionate sex will send passion into your life as well. Passion must be created and nourished by devoting attention, energy, and skill to the matter, whether in your sex life or just your life.

Value the connection. Don’t rely on sex to create some kind of magical connection between you and your partner. But honour the bond created and renewed by having sex. Do everything possible to keep it intact.

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And DON’T have sex when…

Don’t have sex when conditions are conspiring against you if you truly want to enjoy the sexual experience. If you do want to set up yourself for good sex, don’t do it if:

*You are feeling really lousy, or are totally drained.

*You are seriously exhausted. When your fatigue is not linked to a specific, limited cause like sickness or exhausting work, having sex every now and then won’t hurt. And sex can give you energy, so it might even be just the ticket to lifting you out of a mild fatigue.

*Having sex itself is draining or exhausting. Take this as a sign that you need to shift something about the way you are having sex.

*You are in the grip of a lot of negative emotion such as anger, sadness or fear, or you are otherwise highly emotional.

*Are using sex as an escape from anger, boredom, and concerns about relationships, finances, or anything else you should really be dealing with outside the bedroom. Sex can help you experience and express emotions, and it can take the edge off negative emotions. But you are abusing its power if you use it to avoid dealing with your problems.

Published in February 2015