A woman’s guide on how to ask for sex

The best way to have more sex with your man is to ask for it. This, for a good number of women, is easier said than done. They are either embarrassed or afraid that they will look weird. But we’ve got a couple of ideas to get you started. Read on…

Put it in writing

“Sometimes, saying “I want you, now!” out loud can feel embarrassing, especially if that kind of talk does not come naturally to you,” says Tammy Nelson, Ph. D., a couple and sex therapist and author of Getting the Sex You Want. Putting it down on paper, however, will help you to get over your fears. This is due to the fact that there will be no face-to-face contact. The next time you are wondering how to put your desires out there to him, try slipping a note in his pocket that best describes what you want. This helps build anticipation for what is to come.

Establish the “I am in the mood code”

Sometimes, hints can hit a wall, especially if your partner is clueless. The ‘I am in the mood’ code is a word or phrase that is safe for you and your partner to use in the ears of everyone, regardless of age or setting. The code is used to tell him that you want to get all dirty. You can come up with any word or phrase that will get both you and your man in your own bubble, understanding each other perfectly. It could be, “Hey babe! Will you help me balance the cheque book today?” To top it all up, such words or phrases are good at keeping him in the mood. The very fact that other people have no clue of what you are telling him is in itself sexy!

Get and stay in the mood

Getting yourself in the mood is one thing and actually staying in it is another. According to Dr. Zoldbrod, an internationally recognised psychologist and sex therapist, you are more likely to initiate sex better if you pay attention to your own feelings first. Make sure you have enough ‘me time’ to get yourself to stay in the mood. You can use tools such as the Kamasutra. If that is not your thing, spend some time thinking of the last intense sex you had with him. This will set the ball rolling. Better yet, you can engage in some activities such as taking a stroll or racing with your man. This boosts endorphins, which will whet both your appetites.

Put your body to good use

Non-verbal cues are equally a powerful tool to use when you want to start things off. Think of other possible ways that could communicate to your man that you want him. You can slowly stroke his arms with your fingers while watching TV or look at him as you slowly lift the hem of your tiny dress a little bit, just enough to expose bits of your thigh. This will certainly relay the right message to him. Since non-verbal cues can be unexpected, it could pave way to spontaneous sex. Who would not want that!

Try something new together

Trying something new with your man is important because it leads to the release of dopamine – a feel-good chemical that will enable you to stay close to each other during the activity and most probably have sex afterwards. The activity you choose to try out with your man does not necessarily have to be sexual. It can be as simple as going for a photography class together. Having sex each time you try out some activity may eventually turn into a delicious habit.

Be generous with compliments

As relationships progress, couples do not complement each other as much as they did in the early stages of the relationship. The doorway to bliss here is to identify any random moment you found your man to be sexy and tell him. It could be when he was making breakfast for both of you or when he was cleaning the dishes or stepping out of the shower. Let him know how sexy you found him. This will be an ideal transition into sex, and more sex.

Follow through

If you have been hinting throughout the day, then set the right conditions and follow through. If you left a note in his pockets, immediately he arrives home, follow it through and find out if he even saw it. If you had to do something before a roll in the sack, make sure it does not eat up most of your time. Do not watch a movie, say, for two hours before sex as this could leave both of you very exhausted, leaving you no choice but to go straight to bed which will be disappointing to you both.

Create your own sex menu

Think of all the things that you would probably like to try in bed and write them down as your sex menu. This exercise will help you figure out what is enjoyable to both of you and expand your repertoire in matters sex. With this menu, initiating sex will not be a difficult task for you as it will not feel forced or repetitive.

Wake him up in a sexy way

Are you the type of woman who loves the element of surprise? Try waking your man up in a sexy way. Let him wake up to a blow job or you grinding him slowly and passionately. Leave no room for doubts when it comes to you telling him what you want. If this is not your drift, simply let him wake up to the sight of you preparing breakfast. After all this, do what comes naturally. It will get your day starting on a very high note.

Change the timing

Instead of initiating sex at your normal time or routine, try doing it during unexpected times. You can follow him as he goes to brush his teeth and whisper in his ears, “You wanna join me in the shower?” You are unlikely to fear initiating sex at this time because you are doing it out of the normal context. This will not only take him by surprise, but will also boost your confidence in initiating sex, making future random sexcapades something to look forward to. It will also boost the feel-good chemicals in your system.

Be straightforward

Take the bull by its horns. “Being absolutely direct is natural for some women and a little harder for others. If you can master it, nothing works better,” says Dr. Nelson. Being direct with him will save you time. You will not have to worry about creative ways to make your feelings known to him. Being direct is also a matter of practice. The more you do it, the more natural it will come from you. Consider setting the mood with some dirty talk; just remember that the goal of it all is to let your man know what you have in mind.

Play masseuse

Do him a favour and play out the happy ending fantasy for him at home. Offer to give your man a massage, then run your hands slowly through his body and work your way down until you end up massaging his inner thighs. Setting the stage this way will put him in the mood and also help you ease into the moment since you will be doing it at will.

Stop thinking of initiating sex as the man’s job

In this day and age, initiating sex is not the sole preserve of men. And, as weird as it may sound, initiating sex is as intimidating to a man as it is to a woman. So, why then leave all the responsibility to him? What is more, men also have the need to feel desired and wanted by their women. They need to feel that they, too, are good looking and sexy. By initiating sex, you will have shown him that you enjoy having it with him as much as he enjoys having it with you. This time round, try and take the wheel.

This article was first published in the March issue of Parents Magazine

READ OUR LATEST ISSUE HERE: