An understanding of the kinds of sexual characters you may be acting and the kinds of behaviour and feelings you are reinforcing in your sexual life helps you begin to unleash the power of your sexual experience to become the lover you would like to be. In this second part of our series on sexual characteristics, we bring to light three more sexual characters and it’s up to you to figure out whether you fall into any of them and how you can mould yourself to be the best lover.
The self-indulgent sexual character is a professional at enjoying himself. Once they get their partner to do what gives them most pleasure, they become self-absorbed, lost in sensation and only thinking about their own feelings. This character does not hesitate to give himself pleasure when need arises – they will turn to masturbation if there is no one to have sex with. They may even masturbate in the presence of their partner to make sure they get maximum pleasure.
They are like machines in bed, setting things to work in the way that will give them maximum pleasure without any due consideration for their partner. Once sex gets started, they just go into themselves and are not bothered if their partner is with them or not. If their partner tries to change position or rhythm they will insist they don’t change. For the duration of sex, they will be in their own pleasure world, as though their partner is not even there.
In their life outside the bedroom, this character is equally oblivious of others – they may indulge in food, alcohol, or drugs because these feed their need to always feel good. The sexual self-indulgent is so afraid to need anyone else that they have learned to depend on themselves for love and pleasure. They usually have a low tolerance for pain, using pleasure to numb themselves to feelings of vulnerability and fear.
Characteristics of the sexual self-indulgent…
In bed. They are always absorbed in their own pleasure and pay little or no attention to their partner’s feelings. They are not afraid to use fantasy to sustain their own pleasure. They are very goal-oriented about what they want – if it’s one huge orgasm, they will just focus on that. They don’t get turned on by their partner’s excitement and don’t talk much in bed, but if they do, it is to turn themselves on. They may need stimulants like alcohol to get in the mood for making love.
In life. They are self-centered, not good listeners and interrupt a lot during conversations. They can also be pushy and use other people to get ahead. They appear cold or insensitive and may have addictive habits such as overindulgence in food, alcohol or pornography. They lack self-discipline.
During sex. They have fear of intimacy, as well as being alone and unloved. They also fear not getting enough and this may have to do with coming from a background of deprivation, especially when they were growing up. They are also afraid to need another person so they do whatever it takes to ensure they are fully independent, to the point of sexually satisfying themselves. This may come from having been let down by a loved one, such as a parent who died and left them on their own, or a sexual partner who abandoned them.
Partner’s feelings during sex. Sex leaves their partner with several negative emotions. They feel unimportant, unloved, left out and angry at being used to give sexual pleasure to another person without getting anything back.
Useful lessons for the self-indulgent. They must learn to give to others and to find joy in other people’s joy. They also must try to increase their sensitivity to their own and to other’s feelings and not just seek pleasure for their own body. They also must allow love to flourish in them, despite their past experiences.
To enjoy sex and be part of the sexual team, this character should learn to open up and feel their need for others, thus making others feel needed by them. They also need to get turned on from their heart, not just from the genitals, and must learn to find joy in giving pleasure as well as in receiving it. This character can grow out of a painful relationship that leaves one feeling they don’t want anyone else apart from themselves to make them happy.
The sexual corpse
The sexual corpse plays “psychic sex”. He or she wants you to figure out how they are feeling or what they like. They even expect you to figure out if they like you and so you should not ask. They lie there and do nothing, expecting you to do everything in the way they like it and if things go wrong they accuse you of being an inadequate lover or an aggressor.
Some sexual corpses are unresponsive during sex because they are frozen with fear of being abandoned. Other sexual corpses are so angry at the opposite gender in general for hurting them, letting them down, or not loving them enough from childhood. Some may have been pushed into sexual corpses through bad experiences such as rape or abandonment. They play dead during sex as a way to get even with their partner and humiliate them.
Sexual corpses use food, alcohol, or drugs to further numb themselves. They are experts at repressing emotions. They appear ‘cool’ and they do not forgive or forget easily. They may appear quiet, shy and deep and never initiate sex. During lovemaking they never say whether they are enjoying what is happening to them even when asked.
They never make a sound during lovemaking and may make their partner feel like a sex maniac if they are there enjoying themselves and making all sorts of sounds when their partner is dead quiet. In a relationship where one partner is a sexual corpse, there may be fights after sex with each party accusing each other of all kinds of things.
Characteristics of a sexual corpse…
In bed. They give little or no physical or verbal response to their partner. They lie there totally unresponsive, just like a corpse. They usually experience no orgasm and don’t show any signs of pleasure. When asked what they want done to them during sex they will respond “I don’t know” or “I don’t care”. They almost never initiate sex.
In life. They are often nervous, afraid of others and repress their emotions. They also appear cold and may be cynical. They may use drugs or alcohol to escape from reality and they hold bitter and longtime grievances.
During sex. They are afraid of making a mistake or displeasing their partner and are angry at not getting the love they need. They often feel hopeless and are self-protective to the point that they will shield themselves from any feelings during sex.
Partner’s feelings during sex. They feel inadequate for not being able to satisfy their sexual corpse partner. This leaves them frustrated and angry. They may be so much in love with their partner and want to please them, but lack of response or reaction from their partner makes them desperate with feelings of selfishness.
Useful lessons for sexual corpses. They must take risks and communicate what they feel inside to their partner so as to be understood. They must also build confidence that they can get what they want during sex if only they ask. They must learn to forgive others for what they did to them in the past, for example, if they are victims of sexual abuse, as this is the only way they can free themselves from the past and move on and experience love.
The sexual animal
When you make love with the sexual animal, you are not sure whether you are being loved or devoured. More aggressive and sometimes more violent than the sexual performer, the sexual animal is not performing to get attention, but is using sex to express his aggression and his need to dominate. His panting, grabbing, pushing, pulling accompanied by dirty talk reduces the sex act to its most basic animalistic level.
Inside the sexual animal is usually a very frightened person who perhaps was abused physically or verbally as a child. This anger at not being loved and their fear of being controlled takes the form of intensive and very physical sex play. In their life outside the bedroom, the sexual animal is very aggressive and often has an explosive temper. On the other hand, some types can be quiet and brooding, using sex as an outlet for their pent-up hostility. The sexual animal isn’t necessarily hurtful to their partner; it’s just that theirs is an angry passion, not a loving passion.
When you make love with a sexual animal, you may feel a combination of fear, awe, excitement and anger. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that what is going on is real. But you should never make fun of a sexual animal because they don’t think their act is funny at all. They could physically harm you if you made remarks touching on their ego.
Sexual animals can be quite aggressive in their approach to sex. They can pounce on you when you least expect it and start ripping off your clothes, playfully but roughly. They may also start talking dirty and when sex finally begins, they will be all over with all kinds of maneuvers accompanied by loud groans and sometimes heavy sweating. When the sexual animal is a man, he may display a lot of anger and resentment toward women during sex, sometimes bordering on violence.
Characteristics of a sexual animal…
In bed. May talk dirty and very loudly. Is animalistic and likes rough play. The sex act is very intensely performed and he transforms anger into passion. The sexual animal feels the need to dominate their partner. They will pin their partner down and not allow them to move or even breathe properly while they aggressively go on with the sexual act. They may even hurt their partner from this rough and aggressive sex.
In life. They are very aggressive and brood most of the time. They may be vindictive and unforgiving and have to be in charge of things at all times. They are explosive and cynical in temperament and may appear to be very controlled until their temper rises.
During sex. They have anger or hatred toward the other sex. The carry overwhelming fear of not being loved and this may be as a result of pain of deep childhood scars. They are often resentful for not being loved and are afraid of being controlled or made to feel vulnerable.
Partner’s feelings during sex. The characteristics of a sexual animal make their partner feel frightened, is left unsatisfied and is often mistrustful of what is going on. They may also feel angry without being able to pinpoint what has made them angry.
Useful lessons for the sexual animal. To enjoy sex, the sexual animal must learn to be vulnerable again and to experience the sadness underneath his anger. They must also learn to trust others not to hurt them. This way, they will come out of their aggression and become superb lovers who enjoy lovemaking and are able to give satisfaction to their partner without threatening them.