Does your partner cry during sex and never stops telling you how good your lovemaking was after its over? Or is he or she such a sexual tease that all you want is an uninterrupted night with them between the sheets enjoying the best sex ever? We take you through characteristics of the sexual idealist and the sexual tease, the last of the characters we shall cover in these series. We hope by now you know where you stand as a lover and how you can make adjustments to be the best sexual partner.
In the last three issues, we have taken you through different sexual characters and the characteristics that determine how they behave in bed and in life. We take you through the last two in this issue. Now that you have an understanding of what kinds of sexual characters you may be acting out and what kinds of behaviour and feelings you are reinforcing in your sexual learning, you are ready to begin using the power of the sexual experience to become the person you would like to be.
Becoming a good lover who cares about their own feelings and those of their partner, a lover who is not selfish, and a lover who wants to get the best sexual experience and give the best to their partner, requires a few adjustments here and there to find the right balance. By studying the ten sexual cast of characters – the traffic cop, the martyr, the self-indulgent, the performer, the corpse, the animal, the procrastinator, the pleaser, and now the idealist and the tease, you may find yourself acting one or two or a bit of each. The advice is to pick the best part of each character and act it.
You should not try to typecast yourself in any of these characters. Most people are a combination of several characters at one time or another. The real solution to having a wonderful sexual relationship is not to figure out which type you are, but in using the knowledge you have gained reading through these series to tailor your sexual character – one that suits you and your partner.
THE SEXUAL IDEALIST
When you make love with a sexual idealist, be prepared to enjoy your lovemaking not once, but twice: first during lovemaking when you will hear how fantastic it is, and again after lovemaking, when you will hear a recounting of your sexual union for days after its over. They will tell you that you were spellbinding and that they have never experienced anything like it before. To a sexual idealist, each lovemaking experience must be better than the last one.
The sexual idealist wants desperately to believe in life’s goodness and fairness, only because they probably have experienced so much of the opposite. They may delude themselves that their work and relationships are perfect, fearing to be unsure of this is to fail and that if they look at their life honestly, their positive outlook might collapse. Deep inside, the sexual idealist is frightened that they will end up unloved, alone and bitter.
Sexual idealists are often sensitive, intelligent and loving and they may weep after climaxing. They would prefer their partner to experience love as deeply as they do and they often have an idea of what lovemaking should be. Sexual idealists never like disappointments in bed and even when things are not perfect, they will pretend all is well and talk of ‘how good it was’.
Characteristics of a sexual idealist
In bed. They tend to see every sexual experience as being fantastic. They are very complimentary to their partner and often talk a lot about sex after the event. They tend to narrate to their partner blow for blow what they are feeling when making love. Unfortunately, they also tend to compare their current partner with past lovers, which may threaten the relationship. They will say thing like: “You are the best sexual partner I have ever been to bed with,” “I love you because you make love better than my ex.”
In life. They see the world through rose-coloured glasses and often deny their negative feelings. They are often thought of as inspiring individuals to others but they may delude themselves for fear of their life collapsing if they admit imperfection. They harbour fears of failing and ending up alone. They put up a face even when things are not working out to their expectations.
During sex. They are afraid to make a mistake or be rejected. They are also afraid of being inadequate. They will find it difficult to admit they are having sex with the wrong person even when they know the affair should not be going on. They will praise their partner even when there is nothing worth praising.
Partner’s feelings during sex. Their partner feels pressured to perform and have similar high experience. They may also feel inadequate for failing to live up to the expectations of the sexual idealist. They may not feel their partner loves them for who they are, and they also tend to become mistrustful of their partner’s emotional claims.
Useful lessons for the sexual idealist. The sexual idealist needs to accept imperfection in themselves and others, and to trust more in love and stop trying so hard to make things perfect by force of will. They must accept that not every sexual act must be perfect. They should also not raise the bar each time they make love. They must accept that they don’t have to be perfect to be loved. They must learn to accept things as they are and let them be enough. They must trust in themselves and their destiny in life and also learn to be flexible.
THE SEXUAL TEASE
The sexual tease is the kind of woman who glances at your boyfriend in a restaurant and makes him wish for a minute he were single. He is the kind of man who gives your girlfriend a look that makes her want to be wild and untamed for a night – with him. The sexual tease loves to advertise how sexy he or she is. The surprise comes when you actually get into bed, or just before. Either the sexual tease will find an excuse not to make love, or they will make love perfunctorily, just to get over with it.
If it’s a man, he may fail to get an erection or it disappears half way through the act. Gone is the sexy temptress or powerful stud image. The sexual tease is like a company that hasn’t found its product yet, but is doing it’s marketing anyway. The sexual tease is turned on by the idea of being wild and sexy, but not by the actual sex act.
They may pride themselves with sleeping with the powerful, famous and wealthy, and they like dropping names to friends to massage their ego. In their lives outside the bedroom the sexual tease places emphasis on material superficiality – clothes, jewelry, cars, appearance, status – never really developing themselves on the inside. They are very competitive and have a mysterious side to them, which is part of their intrigue.
The sexual tease doesn’t really like sex and that is part of the secret. They were probably very controlled by others when they were young, and fear being hurt again so they try to stay in charge. A sexual tease may also be having an underlying sexual problem like inability to achieve an erection or orgasm and therefore acts so these problems do not come to the fore.
They like to get people turned on, not as a way to give them pleasure, like the sexual pleaser, but as a way to humiliate or control them or as a way of hiding their problem. Getting involved with a sexual tease leaves a person feeling manipulated, used, angry and often sexually frustrated. You don’t want someone teasing you all the way to bed and when you are highly aroused he or she turns the other way.
Characteristics of a sexual tease
In bed. They come off very aggressively and try to act or look like their partner’s dream image. They may go after conquests who are powerful, rich, or famous. Once sex begins, the sexual tease may get numb and want to get it over with as quickly as possible.
In life. They emphasize superficiality – clothes, status, wealth and so on and feel very competitive with members of their sex. They get jealous easily and don’t accept compliments well. They have a rather mysterious persona and cultivate this aura.
During sex. They dislike sex and are resentful of being controlled by others when they were young and so now want to revenge by controlling the person they are teasing. They are insecure and are fearful of getting hurt.
Partner’s feelings during sex. Their partner feels used, manipulated and insignificant, and this makes them extremely disappointed and angry.
Useful lessons the sexual tease. The sexual tease must learn to let go of control and to trust again. They must also try to connect with the deeper meaning of life. They should make a deliberate effort to heal the wounded, mistrustful child inside of them, as this is the only way they can let go of their past and start enjoying relationships. If they have an underlying sexual problem, they should seek help.
Published on June 2013