Does your partner always give excuses for not having sex when you want it? Do you try very hard to sexually please your partner? You or your partner could be a sexual procrastinator or sexual pleaser. Find out where you fall and lessons you need to learn.
THE SEXUAL PROCRASTINATOR
You are very unfortunate if you have a partner you love very much but one who does not seem to want to have sex. This character is described as a sexual procrastinator. If you love sex, don’t get into a relationship with a sexual procrastinator as they will avoid sex and sexual contact, and always give you logical reasons why they aren’t in the mood or don’t have the time.
The sexual procrastinator makes so much sense in their excuses that you don’t really notice they are procrastinating until you look at the calendar and realise it’s been weeks since you made love. If your partner always has excuses as to why lovemaking should not happen at the time you want it and then keeps postponing it, then you have a problem in your hands. If it’s a one off excuse, that’s fine, but if it happens everyday, then you are in for a long draught in your sex life and a lot of unhappiness.
Sexual procrastinators hate to be told they don’t like sex, or that there is something wrong with them, because that is just the revelation they are avoiding by avoiding sex itself. Certainly, sexual procrastinators have an underlying problem that makes them avoid sex and they don’t want to be reminded of it. They avoid dealing with reality, both in and out of bed. They often have dozens of excuses as to why they shouldn’t make love – “too tired, a little later when I have rested, I have a long day at work tomorrow, I have a headache…”
Inside, the sexual procrastinator is usually a very sensitive, warm person with a great fear of intimacy because of the hurt they are sure it will bring them. This may be because they have been hurt before and never healed. And until they face reality and seek help to heal of their past, they will remain as sexual procrastinators – the worst partner a person can wish for. Often they are not conscious of how hard they are working to avoid having sex. They get so used to it, that they have ready phrases to use incase sex is demanded – “Not tonight darling; am too tired; am too sleepy; let’s do it in the morning; its that time of month…”
Characteristics of a sexual procrastinator
In bed. They make excuses for not having sex and even when they do have sex they let little problems or interruptions turn them off and force them to stop. For example, if there is a knock on the door, that is enough reason for them not to go on, or if the phone rings. They may claim that their partner is too pushy for demanding sex and will try to put them on a guilt trip so they can stop asking. They withhold the truth about their feelings and why they avoid sex, and even when they make love they don’t show any emotions. They usually don’t show a lot of outward passion for their partner, as they don’t want to set any signal that may put their partner in the mood for sex.
In life. They avoid feelings and issues they need to deal with whether in their relationships, at work, or generally in life. They procrastinate on doing things they need to do and hate being told what to do. They are never in a hurry and don’t respect deadlines. They are normally very rational and reasonable people and talk a lot, but they have a hard time facing themselves and their shortcomings, and they take themselves very seriously.
During sex. They have fear of intimacy and are withdrawn. They make very bad lovers, as they are not honest about their feelings. They also harbour feelings of inadequacy and imperfection and fear of being judged and punished and therefore don’t want to let their partner into their inner lives. They often feel unloved and alone, no matter how loving and caring their partner is. They are a most difficult people to love and often seem thankless.
Partner’s feeling during sex. They feel neglected and controlled and this makes them insecure, desperate and angry. They are unlikely to remain in the relationship for long, especially if they consider sex as an important ingredient of a loving and caring relationship.
Useful lessons for the sexual procrastinator. If you are a sexual procrastinator you are unlikely to find lasting love unless you change. You must learn to live in the present, not the painful past you have experienced, or the feared future you anticipate. You also must appreciate that you don’t have to be perfect to be loved. If you appreciate the efforts of your partner, they will love you just the way you are and in the end you will find they will help you rebuild your confidence and shed your ugly past. You need to trust love again and become more flexible and also be willing to try new things and savour new experiences. Once you do these things, you will allow joy and fun to flow into your life and this is what relationships are all about.
THE SEXUAL PLEASER
The sexual pleaser is like a ‘private eye’ – they will investigate to find out exactly what pleases you and will check with you every minute or so to make sure you still like what they are doing, often asking: “Do you like this? Am I going too fast? Is there something else you would like me to do?” The sexual pleaser doesn’t really care about their own pleasure, just their partner’s. They will tire themselves trying to make sure you come and in the end will have no energy to take care of their own orgasm.
The sexual pleaser is usually a very insecure person who needs a tremendous amount of love and is afraid to be inadequate as a lover and a partner. They compensate for it by becoming super lovers. They will do anything to keep you happy, especially when they make love to you. They will have a hard time saying no to any request in and out of bed. You can ask them for sex, even at the most odd timing and they will still accept even though they will not enjoy it themselves.
In their life outside the bedroom the sexual pleaser is cheerful and nice to everyone, and also enthusiastic but without any real personality of their own. It is difficult to define a sexual pleaser. They are desperate to please because they feel they must earn people’s love. They have little confidence in themselves and also lack in self-esteem and will allow others to step all over them.
Making love to a sexual pleaser can feel wonderful – only at first. But before long feelings of obligation, guilt, and performance pressure set in you as you feel the desperation and loneliness underneath the sexual pleaser’s apparent love and cannot return their feelings in the same intense way. You cannot make the same effort they do, as it will leave you worn out and besides it’s not your character to overdo pleasing others.
Sexual pleasers usually come out as very pleasant people, adoring and loving but never really reveal who they are. They just let you see the person they want you to see and don’t easily welcome your gestures of trying to reciprocate their love, and always want to do things for you. This can be very frustrating if you are a caring person who wants to equally share your life and its joys with your partner.
Characteristics of the sexual pleaser
In bed. The sexual pleaser will ask over and over whether you like what they are doing and gets very hurt if you do not love what is happening. To please them, you may end up not telling the truth. A sexual pleaser will go to lengths to please their partner without expecting much in return. They may have difficulties feeling their own pleasure and they often need tremendous reassurance that everything is going just fine. They can be irritating to their partner for asking over and over how things are going.
In life. They are a people pleaser and are often popular with others. They find it difficult to say no to people even when they know they shouldn’t do what is being asked of them. They are not assertive and harbour fears of being alone, so they will not do anything that may make you leave them. Because of their seemingly weak character, they often tend to be taken advantage of.
During sex. Sexual pleasers harbour fears of being sexually inadequate and are desperate to be loved. They will do anything to keep you, including accepting to engage in sexual acts they don’t like such as oral sex. They are fearful of disapproval and abandonment.
Partner’s feelings during sex. Because of the attention given to them by the sexual pleaser, their partner often feels pressured to perform. They also feel like they are being forced to be obligated to the lover and therefore controlled, and this may result in deep feelings of guilt and resentment. It is very difficult to love someone who does not expect love in return, as love should be mutual.
Useful lessons for the sexual pleaser. Sexual pleasers need to get into a relationship expecting to give and to receive. They should learn they can make mistakes and their partner will still love them. They also need to know that they don’t have to wait on people to keep them in their lives. Their relationships should be mutual. They also need to learn they don’t have to please in order to be loved and can say no when they are asked to do something they don’t want to do, or is against their moral values. They should learn to relax and trust that love will be there when the right person comes into their life and that they deserve to be loved just the way they are without making too much of an effort to please their partner. They must also learn to be trusting.
Published on May 2013