The books and movies – Fifty shades of Grey – caused quite a furore considering they capitalised on taboo sexual play such as bondage, pain and domination, which rubbed some conservatives the wrong way. Some people turn to taboo sexual practices when looking to shake things up in the bedroom or need to satiate some fantasies or are simply curious. These sexual practices are not for everyone and you should only participate if you are comfortable. We explain what they are…
BDSM is an acronym for a series of erotic preferences including bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism, and involve role-playing, ceding or gaining control, pain and humiliation. They are carried out in sessions or scenes and while kosher sexual activities such as penetration may be involved, they are unnecessary for sexual satisfaction or even orgasm.
While in previous centuries, these practices caused worry among the medics, they have since been endorsed as safe sexual practices provided consent by both partners (some partners even sign contracts in front of witnesses to protect each other) and care is taken to prevent dire extremes. Here is brief description of what each category entails.
Bondage and Discipline
This scenario is all about heightened sexual satisfaction through the tying up of hands, arms, legs, mouth gagging or all of them at the same time. Restrain can also be psychological (discipline) where one partner sets the rules of how their fellow partner ought to act, speak, dress during the session and punishment meted out in the event the partner doesn’t adhere to the rules or does not perform them satisfactorily. There are plenty of aids manufactured for such sessions ranging from mock handcuffs to bondage beds, which are standard beds fitted with bondage points and aids such as belts. Common wardrobe pieces such as ties and scarves as props are often used to achieve the same results.
Sadism and masochism
In this scenario, partners derive pleasure from acts of pain and humiliation either as instigators (sadism) or recipients (masochism) respectively. Physical pain and humiliation is induced through spanking by use of hands, paddle sticks, whips or pinching by use of skin clamps or fingers. Other extremes include mock choking and hair pulling. Pain can also be psychological by use of derogatory terms such as insults.
Dominance and submission
In this case, one partner cedes absolute control to the other and they dominate while the other remains completely submissive. It is considered a higher version of ‘discipline’ in the bondage and discipline context. It can also be combined with other facets of BDSM or sexual activity.
How does one initiate BDSM?
In BDSM, the trust that one’s partner will inflict pain or restrain them to the degree they allow, and thereafter release them, is the foundation of its success. In the event you or your partner want to practice BDSM, you should lay out, discuss and even do a dry run of what kind of deeds you want to do to each other before fully and wholly engaging in it and even the kind of ‘insults’ that will be tolerated.
Of key concern is safety. People who practice BDSM make use of ‘safe words’. Safe words are words couples agree on to be used to indicate that things are getting out of hand or to end a session. They can be random ranging from cat to pumpkin. Partners refrain from use of words like ‘stop’, ‘don’t’ or ‘no’ because BDSM thrives on mock suffering and partners get aroused through begging, either as instigators or recipients so using common negating words can be counterproductive.
Sexual fetishism refers to an obsessive sexual interest in non-living objects or non-genital body parts. While some fetishes are seen as simply aids to heightened sexual satisfaction, there are times when the line can get really thin really fast, and one can find themselves diagnosed with a disorder. Experts consider fetishes a disorder when the obsession causes harm or distress to the individual or others. Fetishes can range from the mundane of things such as rubber items to the more bizarre such as necrophilia-sexual attraction or act with a corpse.
According to experts, there are 48 clinical classifications for fetishes with the top three being fetishes for clothing (for example, stockings or lingerie), rubber items (for example, gloves)
and body parts. The most common body fetish is foot worship. This is an obsession with the feet, which is more common with men than women and involves toe sucking, feet licking or massaging. It is followed closely by fetishes for body fluids, which involve acts such as spitting, urinating, ejaculation or squirting in general or on your partner. As with BDSM, openness to either share your fantasy and willingness to listen and give it a chance is key.
If BDSM or fetishism is not your cup of tea, there are other ways to get your kinks. A sneaky tweet trended on twitter a few years back after a man confessed to getting an erection while watching a show where a local socialite with a celebrated derriere was featured, while his girlfriend was right next to him! Needless to say, there was hell to pay that evening. However, imagine how much better that scenario would have turned out if his girlfriend had turned the tables on him, whipped out a wig, put on some lingerie and told his partner to call her by the socialite’s name?
Plenty of people habour thoughts of having sex with certain people or professionals for instance, a bespectacled professor, a celebrity, a maid in full regalia, a policewoman, you name it! However, they never share their fantasies with their partners for fear of judgment. Often times, partners mistake it to mean their partner does not find them sexy enough at all, is immoral for thinking about other people or lose. Partners whose urges are strong may choose to get their kinks elsewhere such as porn sites, the strip club or just indulge in a full-blown affair.
Not that role-playing is a recipe for infidelity but it can definitely serve up some fiery moments in the bedroom if you and your partner can handle it maturely. Stock up on some wigs, costumes then learn that unforgettable catchphrase in that movie that convinced your wife that Denzel Washington, Boris Kodjoe or Djimon Honsou was the hottest man alive and get to work!
4. SEX TOYS
Is there anything more (mainstream) taboo than the mention of dildos, vibrators or butt plugs? Isn’t it ironic that the one thing granted to human beings and especially couples, for pleasure and gratification (sex) is the one thing that can foster disdain between them when not navigated correctly?
For some reason many couples settle for regular or ‘vanilla sex’ (also a euphemism for boring sex) when you can heighten the sexual experience or just do it differently.
Most sex toys are designed for individual use but can be incorporated into couple’s sex. For instance, dildos and strap-ons can come in handy where couples have an issue such as small penis size, which can make penetrative sex lack lustre.
Depending on where your partner’s erotic zones are, other toys such as clit(oris) -vibrators can also help with foreplay or a satiating finish for your partner while toys such as cock rings (worn at the base of the penis and used to constrain penis nerves to keep blood within the penile tissues) can help one not only have a larger erection but hold it longer and can come in handy for men suffering from premature ejaculation.