Who Should Come First? Parents or Children?

A conversation stirred by media personality Oga Obinaa has opened up an important reflection for many young adults: where does your primary responsibility lie, towards the parents who raised you or the children depending on you? His remarks, delivered candidly and in a tone many found relatable, point to a growing pressure facing young people trying to balance cultural expectations with harsh economic realities.

“Your parents are not your responsibility. You are your responsibility. Your children are your responsibility. If you choose to take care of your parents, it is not the priority. If you follow that hierarchy, you will be at peace. If you do not have enough, your parents should understand that.” Oga Obinna Said

He argued that people should not feel guilty for prioritising themselves and their children, especially when they are in what he called “survival mode.” “Ukiwa survival mode, piga budget yako,” he said. “Sio ukipata thao unatumia mum yote halafu unabaki hivyo.” He added that loving parents should understand when their adult children genuinely have nothing to give, instead of demanding or expecting money that simply isn’t there.

His sentiments struck a chord because many young adults today are shouldering disproportionate burdens. Traditionally, supporting one’s parents was almost automatic, a way of honouring the sacrifices they made. In many African homes, it is considered an obligation, not a favour. But times have changed. The cost of living has risen sharply. Employment is unpredictable. Salaries often fail to match inflation. Many are raising young children of their own while still finding their footing financially. The emotional and financial strain is real, and unspoken guilt accompanies every unmet expectation.

This is why the question of who comes first is becoming increasingly complex. When someone becomes a parent, the responsibility for their child’s welfare, housing, food, education, emotional stability, naturally becomes immediate and non-negotiable. A child cannot postpone their needs. Their survival and their future depend entirely on the adult raising them. When a parent is forced to choose between providing for their child and sending money to their own parents, the conflict can be overwhelming.

Yet this does not erase the importance of supporting parents. Ageing parents, especially those without pensions or stable income, still need care and emotional connection. The issue, however, is how to offer this support without collapsing under the weight of it. Healthy support must come from capacity, not pressure. It should reflect love, not fear or guilt. And it should be rooted in honest conversations, not silent suffering or unrealistic expectations.

The reality is that family responsibility is not a competition between generations. It is a matter of balance, timing and self-awareness. There are seasons in life where one may not have much to give and that is okay. There are seasons where one becomes more stable, and supporting parents becomes easier and more joyful. What his statement brings to the surface is the need for compassion in both directions: children doing what they can without self-destruction, and parents understanding that today’s challenges are not the same as those of decades past.

In the end, the heart of the matter is sustainability. You cannot build a secure future for your family if you are constantly depleted. You cannot raise emotionally healthy children if you are weighed down by shame. And you cannot give to your parents what you do not have. The best gift one can offer both generations is stability, financial, emotional and mental. Everything else flows from that.