Finding Your Compass: Masculinity Without a Father Figure
As far as being a man goes, there is no clear definition of it. For some, it’s about being a stoic provider, someone who can grin and bear whatever life throws at them. All this is difficult without a father figure.
For others, being a man is about performance. The bank account, sexual prowess, the idealised man.
Masculinity is like a skill. It takes guidance and apprenticeship. It may look different for many people, but such is the cost of being such a diverse and complex species.
Lacking a father figure
Some lack father figures, either through loss or circumstance. Navigating the vast expanse is jarring. You could choose to move in any direction, but without a compass, it all feels wrong.
The memories are present, burrowed deep somewhere. Children in your peer group brag about their dads. They jeer at one another, mocking, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’
They didn’t need to ask it, did they? You were already in your head about it: Where’s my dad? Why couldn’t he be around?
Father figure stand-ins
Psychologists suggest that when something is missing in our lives, we tend to compensate for it.
When men lack father figures, football stars, political figures, TV stars, and relatives tend to fill that role. It’s our unconscious attempt at balance. Even for men with fathers, having a role model is a natural milestone.
Breaking the cycle
When it comes to being a man, there’s little guidance. In our own way, we try to make sense of it, from the gym rat culture to male-centred seminars. Everyone has something to offer when it comes to this elusive topic.
It is easy to get sucked into the hyperreal metaverse full of diverse ideas that only echo their own opinions, as opposed to encouraging debate. Whether it’s toxic masculinity or the red pill movement, each man seeks to make sense of it all. There is no right method.
Just like those before us and those to come, intuition is a crucial key to embodying the actions that will continue to define you. You can choose what masculinity means to you.
Grieving what could have been
For whatever reason, either a dispute between parental figures or a tragic loss, our responsibility is to ourselves first. It is as much as we owe it to those we care about whether we choose to bring a life into this world, or we already have. Or if we choose to take on the paternal role in anyone else’s life.
Also Read: How to Heal From Heartbreak
Regardless of knowing a father’s presence or not, we must accept that there is nothing we could have done to change the past. Accept that lacking a father figure hurts as deeply as it does, and we’re allowed to be bitter over it.
Lastly, only after coming to terms with that heavy reality can we begin to accept that we are not our fathers. That by our virtue and the active choices we make each day, we are new men entirely, and future generations will look to us.
