Some people take fantasy so far when having sex that they literally disconnect themselves from the action at hand. The result – not so good sex. While fantasising is good, just imagine what it would do to your sex life if you and your partner were on the same wavelength. We tell you how to move from fantasy to fantastic sex.
Fantasy is a part of many people’s sex lives, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Fantasy can help awaken sexual awareness. It might be useful in getting you in the mood, or taking you over the top. But if it is the only way you can get going, that should be a wake-up call that something is amiss. There are better ways to arouse or stimulate yourself or trigger orgasm. If fantasy is always your go-to, you will miss out on the joy of having sex with your ‘now’ partner, not the actor in the sex movie you watched or the one-night-stand you picked from the disco so many years ago and have never gotten over it.
Fantasy is about being in your head, and the best sex is all about being in your body having sex with a real partner not an imagined one. Fantasy is anywhere-but-here; the best sex is be-here-now. When you are fantasising, you can’t give all your attention and energy to your partner, or your own body for that matter, because you are diverting attention and energy to your fantasy.
The best advice about having good sex is always to be present with your partner, and in your body, during sex. That’s what will enhance your sexual experience. Fantasy just distracts you from it, sabotaging the energetic connection between you and your partner and draining your energy levels. Over time, reliance on fantasy can create distance between partners and diminish love.
Instead of fantasising, talk about sex…
To have good sex without the need for fantasy, you have to talk about it with your partner. Open and honest communication is key to connecting sexually. Good communication is important to your relationship and also very important to your sex life. When you have good communication with your partner, you are able to share your fears and your joys and also freely express your needs. You are able to share with your partner your fantasies, which helps you to act them out during sex. Good communication is also important during sex – in fact, sex itself is one big act of communication. The more you talk and express your feelings as you make love, the more you connect and the result is likely to be exhilarating orgasm.
A little talk about what is happening to you during sex can be all it takes to get everything on the right track. Couples who have been together for years are often stuck in a rut, and sometimes forget to prompt each other to try something new. If you want to be a good sexual partner, you are going to have to figure out what your partner needs and wants, as well as their likes and dislikes. And if you want your partner to know what you need and want, and your likes and dislikes, you just have to tell him or her.
No matter how much your partner loves you, he or she cannot be relied upon to guess what floats your boat. When your partner gives you good sex, let them know they are doing it just right, but remember they may not get it right every time. Since you are the one inside your body, only you can know what feels good and unless you say it, your partner may never know what you want done to you.
Many couples find the prospect of conversation about sex daunting. They have more trouble talking about such intimate matters than doing it. Most of the time, though, it turns out to be easier to talk about sex once you get the conversation going. When sex talk is hinged on the wish to please each other, most people can roll with it once the topic is up for discussion.
Begin by finding time you can talk when you are not having sex or about to have sex. The best way to begin this conversation is with everybody fully clothed. Beyond that, the best circumstances are going to vary from couple to couple. Some wait for a quiet moment when they can look their partner in the eye. Others prefer to talk in the car when there is no eye contact. While others may prefer setting a warm romantic tone, talking over dinner, or a glass of wine, or while taking a leisurely walk. What is essential is taking the initial risk and speaking up, with love and honesty.
It’s a good idea to start with all the things that are working for you in your current sexual experience. Be specific, sincere, and enthusiastic. A little lavish praise never hurt anyone’s sex life. Then ask your partner what he would like more of, and what he might like to try. You can ask what he fantasises about, or if there is anything he would like you to know or do with him. The trick is not in asking just the right question or rehearsing the best opening gambit, or setting the stage perfectly, or turning the discussion into a sex education. The important thing is to create a safe space for a full and free discussion for both of you.
So, be honest. Be patient. Stay present – in the sense of being fully engaged in the moment and the conversation. But don’t dredge up the past. If your partner feels that you are speaking earnestly and lovingly, and your goal is to give him or her pleasure – he or she is going to be more able to tell you what you want to know.
And when your partner opens up, listen carefully. That’s one way to show them you really want to know – and encourage them to share more. Let your partner know if you agree with the things he or she is telling you and if you would like to try them out. Though you shouldn’t agree to anything you seriously object to, try not to reject anything out of hand.
If you have any requests you would like to make to your partner, it is a good idea to start off slowly, perhaps with a simple request that’s easy for your partner to accomplish. If you are particularly reticent, you might try writing something down, or setting the stage for a conversation with a note or email.
If you want your partner to be able to really hear what you are going to say, choose your phrasing carefully. Don’t criticise what he or she has been doing, but do say what you would like. Talk about your fantasies and things you would like to experiment on. Discuss a book you read and how you would like to try the sex styles described. Don’t force an idea on him or her that obviously doesn’t appeal. But don’t self-censor either – give your partner a chance to give something the thumbs-up or thumbs-down.
If you feel uncomfortable discussing sex, joking around it may help. A lot of people and relationships could use some lightening up around the subject of sex. When it comes to sex, playful is good. Be playful and naughty. Act out your fantasies with your partner using your body not your head.
Published in January 2015.