Good SEX is about CONNECTION 

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The sexual imagery that saturates our society is unrealistic and unrelated to really good sex. So what is good sex? Read on…

We often have no idea what “good” sex is. The sexual imagery that saturates our society leaves a lot of us holding ourselves up to extremely unrealistic standards that don’t have anything to do with really good sex. We tend to aspire to the kind of “mind-blowing” sex between physically perfect people promoted in the soap operas and X-rated movies. Then we either judge our real-life experiences as somehow falling short, or we expend lots of energy trying to mimic that impossible standard. Or we give up sex altogether as mission impossible. Either way we miss out on the more profound pleasures of truly good sex.

There is no one technique that guarantees good sex, nor a set of instructions that makes it a sure thing. That’s because good sex is not about what-goes-where or who-licks-what. Good sex is not gymnastics or even romance inspired moves. Good sex has nothing to do with how old you are, or how much you weigh, or how good-looking or well groomed you are. Good sex is also not about how often you do it or how long you last or how hard you come.

Good sex is about connection between two people. It is about the mutual flow of energy between partners, with both people giving and receiving it. Good sex takes you toward a state of balanced energy. You can get up to whatever exotic sex styles you like, but without the exchange of energy between partners, sex will never be deeply satisfying. Energetic connection is crucial not just to the sexual experience, but also, ultimately, to the relationship itself.

 You can have good sex without having an orgasm, though you increase the benefits when you are orgasmic. You can also get an orgasm without having good sex. You can also create connection without having intercourse. But good sex is all about that sense of union, that ‘two-becomes-one’ feeling occurring on multiple levels – anatomically, of course, but also psychologically, emotionally and even spiritually.

When you desire for sex outside marriage or a committed relationship, it is often because this sense of connection is missing. Luckily, mutual energetic exchange is a simple thing to ensure. The main requirements are a little time and attention. Anyone can feel this kind of energy and learn to tap into it. If you repair or rebuild that essential connection, you will rediscover desire and re-ignite your sex life.

Connected sex is a gateway to spiritual growth. This means the connection good sex creates is more than physical. You can feel it between the two of you. And for many people that feeling extends outward further still, tapping into a feeling of oneness with the universe. This bit of connection between two people gives them a relatively concrete experience of the idea that we are all connected. Sex is spiritual when the feeling of union and communion expands to include not just two people but the world around them as well, and they feel as one with all of life.

So what is good sex again? Good sex is connected sex and has a recipe with a lot of ingredients. While if you leave one ingredient out you could end up with a whole different dish, it is a recipe that anyone can whip up with a little practice.

Good sex involves love.That is why the best sex is often sex between long-term partners. You might have good sex early on in a relationship, too, because when you are doing it right, having sex is actually making love. Good sex both inspires and builds love. It expresses love. And in the moment-to-moment experience of it, good sex is loving.

Good sex is an exchange. It’s mutual. Cooperative. It’s giving and receiving – for both partners. It’s shared energy, flowing in both directions. Good sex is selfless. It’s not about you. It’s about us.

Good sex is energising. And energy balancing.  Good sex only adds to your stores of energy; it never drains them.

Good sex is committed.In a stable, long-term relationship you can draw on the most profound and powerful benefits of sex. Casual sex isn’t necessarily bad sex, and it most certainty can be fun, or so many people would not be reminiscing about it. But it tends to be energy depleting – you give away energy and you don’t really get it back. Because casual sex is not typically truly connected sex, there is no pathway for energy to get back to you.

Good sex means both partners are present.Present with each other and present in the moment. For sex to be good, you have to have your head in the game. Your attention needs to be on what you are doing and who you are doing it with. Both of you really need to engage, or you won’t get everything out of the experience.

Good sex is pleasurable.Many swear by it. They say it’s the greatest pleasure there is in the world.

Good sex is satisfying.Physically and emotionally. For both of you, orgasm is a big part of that, but it’s not the ‘be-all’ and ‘end-all’ of satisfaction. Exactly what counts as satisfying will vary from person to person, couple to couple, and even from time to time.

Good sex is a total body experience.There’s a lot to be said for the genitals when it comes to sex, but that’s just one item on a much longer menu. There are a few variations on this theme: Good sex uses all five senses. And good sex involves the heart, mind, and body.

Good sex is a form of communication.Some of it verbal. But like music, or dance, or art, the point is: Expression is often beyond mere words.

Good sex is meaningful.It is loving and beneficial to both, physically and emotionally.

God sex is also generous.It is warm, enjoyable, joyful, tender, sincere, sharing, supportive, responsible, open, compassionate, emphatic, energetic, genuine, and passionate. Sometimes all at once, sometimes not.

And now to bad sex…

Another great thing about good sex is that having it, you avoid the pitfalls of having bad sex as well as the pitfalls of having no sex. Bad or nonexistent sex can generate negative emotions and alienate partners. It can leave you feeling the relationship is incomplete. It wastes or otherwise misuses your sexual energy, and your partner’s, leaving you both drained rather than revitalised.

Nothing good will ever come of sex that is exploitative, abusive, coerced, or violent. But sex doesn’t have to be as bad as all that to be bad sex. Bad sex is any sex that leaves you sad or depressed or otherwise empty. Or that is disconnected or devoid of emotion, or frustrating, or monotonous, or even exhausting. Bad sex is sex with an inappropriate partner or in inappropriate circumstances. It is also sex that is a power struggle or that is goal oriented or merely mechanical sex that leaves you physically or emotionally unsatisfied. It is also sex that is too rushed, that focuses on performance and that does not involve an exchange of energy. Bad sex depletes energy instead of generating it.

Published in December 2014