MARTYR OR PERFORMER: What’s your SEXUAL character?

We all fall into some sexual character, sometimes finding a little bit of ourselves in most of the characters or maybe a lot in one. Most people are a combination

  • PublishedFebruary 26, 2014

We all fall into some sexual character, sometimes finding a little bit of ourselves in most of the characters or maybe a lot in one. Most people are a combination of several characters at onetime or another. The real solution to having a wonderful sexual relationship is not figuring out which type you are, but using the knowledge to tailor yourself to the character you would want to be. In this first part of our three-series, we help you unravel the ten main sexual characters.

The Martyr

The sexual martyr always seems to meet the wrong partner and is always being taken advantage of. They martyr tends to meet the same kinds of partners over and over again, none of whom ever satisfies or loves them enough. The sexual martyr dreams that one day they will a meet a partner who will know just what they want and will be the perfect lover.

In their lives outside the bedroom, sexual martyrs frequently play victim. They feel used and taken advantage of, and never quite find the courage to speak up for what they want. When you make love with a sexual martyr, you may sense that something is wrong, but can’t count on them to fill you in because they will never tell. They disclose very little about themselves.

Sexual martyrs will have sex with many partners but rarely have wonderful sexual experiences because they do nothing to make sure they turn out to be sexually wonderful. They go from partner to partner, feeling increasingly helpless and hopeless. Sexual martyrs must practice owning power during sex and asking for what they want, otherwise they will never find satisfying sex. They also need to believe that they have capacity to get sexual satisfaction and will eventually find a person who really cares for them.

The first step in finding fulfillment for the sexual martyr is to make a list of what they want in a partner and their sexual likes and dislikes. To avoid disappointment they should make it a rule not to go out with a partner who does not closely fit most of the qualities on their list. They should also open up and let their partner know at least three things they like when making love. They must also become discriminating and not have sex with everyone they meet. They should first get to know the person well enough to feel comfortable in bed with them. Sexual martyrs are at great risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases because they tend to have indiscriminate sex.

Characteristics of a sexual martyr…

In bed.  This person often doesn’t enjoy what happens during sex, but just grins and bears with it. They want to get over with sex as soon as it gets started. They feel that nothing they can do could change what is happening to them and so suffer in silence. Martyrs often complain that they rarely have good sexual experiences and often feel their partner does not know how to satisfy them. They always blame the partner for their own lack of sexual satisfaction and never find fault in themselves. In deed, they think they are excellent in bed and it’s their partners who don’t know how to satisfy them.  Sexual martyrs often have trouble reaching orgasm.

In life. Sexual martyrs don’t ask for what they want from others. They often feel unappreciated and blame others for their lack of success, happiness and fulfillment in life. Their stories and discussions are always about “poor me.” They act meek and timid around the opposite sex and are always asking for advice from others and not taking it. They are very good at nagging and always play victim.

During sex. They often get angry during sex for not getting what they want, but are afraid to express themselves. This is because they are afraid of abandonment. They also have low self-esteem and will not ask for what they want arguing they may not deserve it or it may not make a difference. They are not assertive.

Partner’s feelings during sex. They are afraid they cannot satisfy their martyr partner and therefore feel pressured to figure out what the partner is feeling and wants. They become resentful because they cannot read their partner’s mind to know what they want and this makes them feel guilty for not being able to do so. They don’t find the relationship sexually fulfilling and may choose to end it.

Lessons for martyrs. They must own their sexual power and ask for what they want from their partner. They also must learn to say no to what they don’t want and also trust themselves and their feelings. They must take responsibility for creating their own sexual reality by communicating their needs and wants to their partner.


The performer

The sexual performer portrays the image of a passionate person and will makes sure you know it from the time you meet. They make you think they are hot and desirable, yet there is something not quite right about their passion and often leave you with a strange feeling that you may have just been taken for a ride. And you are probably right because most sexual performers are fakes.

The sexual performer feels the need to appear passionate and sexy to cover up their feelings of inadequacy as a lover and their fear of abandonment. Their actions are directed at paying their partner for what they believe is the ultimate compliment – to be recognised as the greatest lover. They hope their partner will stick around to keep satisfying their ego. Sexual performers often put on a show in bed, trying very hard with various theatrics such as a lot of talking and groaning and often come noisily. Their actions leave their partner confused because they don’t know if this is a show or the person is really enjoying themselves. Some people cannot handle the aggressiveness of a sexual performer because it makes them feel threatened.

Out of bed the sexual performer needs constant attention and approval and is wildly enthusiastic about whatever they do, and do not enjoy being upstaged. They are often afraid of falling short of performance and, therefore, not being wanted or loved. Sexual performers need to understand that it is in the quiet moments of lovemaking, not during the noisy episodes, that the greatest love can be felt.

Characteristics of the sexual performer…

In bed. They are very dramatic in their expression of passion and often make a lot noise and movement. They will tell their partner over and over again how fabulous their lovemaking is, and may even fake or exaggerate their pleasure.

In life. They are easily excited and talk a lot. They like to dominate in conversations. They have a hard time sharing the stage with others or learning from others. They are show-offs who also need a lot of approval.

During sex. They harbour a great fear of being sexually inadequate and are also insecure. They also fear abandonment and are always in desperate need for love and attention. They try very hard to come out great in bed and can be quite aggressive.

Partner’s feelings during sex. Their partner feels left out as this type of lover concentrates on his performance. They also feel used, especially if the performer comes before them, which is usually the case. The selfish behaviour of the sexual performer in bed makes their partner confused and mistrustful, and eventually resentful.

Lessons for the sexual performer. They need to know that you don’t have to perform in bed to be loved. They should learn to trust that others can see their inner self even without acting, and will love them for who they are. They need to relax and be themselves, as well give love and approval to others.


The traffic cop

Have you ever observed the traffic policemen directing traffic on our highways? They try very hard to be in control. Sometimes they succeed and other times they fail miserably. And when you don’t follow their instructions they get very angry. They like to be in control all the time, never mind some of their instructions confuse motorists. Like the traffic policeman, the sexual traffic cop must be in control of lovemaking, or he will be angry and/or withdrawn. If your partner has characteristics of a traffic cop, you may find it difficult to remember what they like and don’t like because of the many instructions you get.

This sexual character is equally demanding outside the bedroom. They can be critical and controlling of others. Inside, they secretly don’t trust others to love them and meet all their needs. So, to be in control they tell their partner exactly how they want to be loved even without waiting to see if the partner will give their love freely.

If you are sexual traffic cop, you need to learn to let go, to let your partner choose how they want to make love sometimes, and to also trust your partner will care enough to discover what pleases you. You need to let yourself be taken care of, which is, after all, what you secretly want.

Characteristics of the sexual traffic cop…

In bed: The sexual traffic cop tells their partner step by step what to do in bed. They are often very critical and don’t pay much attention to pleasing their partner. If something goes wrong when they are making love, they may just stop and refuse to continue or could get very angry and haul abuses at their partner.

In life. They are very picky and impatient and constantly give advice or “mother” people. They make a point of correcting others if they don’t do things right. They find fault in almost everything. They are not very good at taking orders or advice and are often dictatorial. They can be very hard on themselves and often are not forgiving of themselves and others.

During sex. They fear not getting what they want during sex and so give performance instructions to their partner. They mistrust their partner’s ability to satisfy them and crave for attention. They want to betaken care of, to the point of even being babied.

Partner’s feelings during sex.  Because the sexual cop is controlling, they put themselves and their partner under pressure to perform. They make their partner feel inadequate sexually. It is impossible for the partner of a sexual cop to enjoy sex under such circumstances.

Lessons for the traffic cop. They should learn to trust that others will take care of their emotional and sexual needs, as well as please them. They should have patience with themselves and others and also accept their own and other’s imperfections. They should also be flexible when things are not under control or not happening the way they want. They should learn to surrender themselves to the other person and their way of loving, and be willing to learn and improve themselves. They must accept that no one can be a ‘know-it-all’ and that sex is an activity between two people and works best when it’s mutual.

Published on March 2013

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