Losing a baby, either through miscarriage, still-birth or just after delivery, is one of the most painful things a woman can ever go through. Most people recognize this, and it is normal human reaction to say things that we hope will bring comfort to the bereaved. While the things that we say may be well intended and come from a good place, how they are perceived by a pained mum might have the exact opposite effect. They may hurt them further and poke an already festering wound. To be sure that what you say does not invoke deeper pain, here are five things you should never tell a mum who has lost a baby.
What not to say
You are still young, you will have more – Nothing is assured, you might not know the kind of struggle she went through to get the baby she lost. And even if she really will have more, it does nothing to the pain of losing the one she has lost.
This is all part of God’s plan – You will make her question why, of all people, God just had to choose her. It will just make her feel more hopeless and bitter.
At least the baby was not old – From the moment a woman realizes she is having a baby, the bond that she forms with the baby is strong. Her pain is very valid and the length of time spent with the baby does not trivialize the loss.
At least you have other children – She does, but she wanted this one too and it is gone. She will never raise her and share the world with her. She might have shopped for the baby and even named it.
Do not grieve for too long – If people want to mourn, let them grieve in peace. If they want to talk about it, let them speak the pain out. Do not muzzle their pain.
You are better than X – Do not compare them to other people, their pain is their pain.
By all means, do not try to invalidate or dismiss her pain.