Research shows a lot of couples in lasting relationships aren’t having much sex today. If you are married and not having sex or not having enough of it, or don’t feel like having it but want to, or you may have gotten a bit out of practice but are ready for sex again, this article is for you. Read on…
Ask many married couples in their 40s, 50s and 60s how often they have sex and those who are honest will tell you once a week, if they are lucky; the norm is less often. A lot of couples can only dream of sex and many don’t even have the energy to dream it. They are just too busy building their lives to give sex the priority it deserves and as a result many have lost touch with it.
Studies show that many married men feel deprived of sex because their wives don’t want it as often as they would like to have it. Other men are in that unenviable situation where their manhood often fails to rise to the occasion and, therefore, stop trying to keep off the shame and hurt that comes from an unfinished job, not to mention their partner’s frustration.
And many married women are reporting a lack of interest in sex, especially those approaching menopause or are already in it. In any survey of sexual problems in women, low libido always tops the list. And now more worrying is that many men in their mid-life are joining this league of low-libido human beings.
And there are several explanations to this growing lack of interest in sex. We live in a fast-paced, highly competitive, multitasking, me-first, stressed out world, and it’s no wonder sex is not getting enough attention. It seems like chasing money and success has put sex at the back burner. Many married couples have come to accept that sex is not a priority and not having it is normal. But that’s not the way it should to be for you, or for any married couple unless there is a medical reason. You may be out of touch with your own desire, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. It is lying there dormant and the trick is to reconnect to it.
You may be one of those women or men who are often not in the mood for sex – people who are not having much sex but deep down may be wanting to. We are talking about couples in long-term relationships and who share a bed each night and yet don’t reach out to each other for sex, any kind of sex. These are not people looking for sexual partners, but couples with lots of opportunities but little desire.
They are men and women who are too stressed in their lives for sex; men and women so busy in the rat race and are, therefore, always too tired for sex. Some of these may also be women who somehow don’t feel they are sexy enough for sex – the breasts have drooped after the babies, the waistline is layers of fat, and their body carries extra weight due to lack of exercise and overeating, often of unhealthy fattening foods.
Why don’t you just do it?
If you want to have sex but have not been really feeling like it, the best thing you can do to yourself, your partner, and your relationship, is to do it anyway. In lots of relationship counseling sessions couples are taught to get back in touch with their bodies and emotions. When it comes to sex advice, they are told to work on strategies for fixing the relationship, improving communication, uncovering emotional issues, and so on.
They are told to talk about sex, and talk some more, so as to get their bodies and minds in the mood. While there is no doubt you can improve sex by improving the relationship, the truth is you can also improve the relationship by improving the sex. And the key to improving the sex is by having sex, as long as it is not damaging in any way. Sex is highly recommended in marriage and it’s one of the main pillars that support a strong relationship.
But “just doing it” may be easier said than done and this is why couples often need to be reminded not just how and when, but also why they should have sex often. They should also know that sex should first and foremost be for themselves. While it may also be good for their partner and definitely for the relationship, most of all, sex should be about them.
Another important factor for couples in long-lasting relationships to remember and make an individual effort at doing is making the sex they have better. You can’t wait around, hoping great sex will somehow happen to you. You can’t wait until it will be perfect before you have sex. It will never be perfect. To have better sex, to want more sex – you have to have sex. You have to start where you are. And if right now that means humdrum sex, that’s fine. It won’t stay that way for long. After starting to have sex you will be wanting more sex and so presumably having more sex, and hopefully better sex. In fact, how much sex you have is not what really matters most – quality beats quantity.
But the fact remains that to have sex again and again you need to first have sex. Right now you may be stuck in a negative loop – lack of desire breeding lack of sex, and though you might not realise it you could soon be experiencing the positive flipside of that cycle if you start having sex today. The more sex you have, the more sex you will want. The more you enjoy sex, the more satisfying it will be and the more you will want to have it.
However, there is a caveat to all this “just do it.” You shouldn’t have sex if it’s harmful, if it’s painful, or there is a possibility your partner could infect you with disease. You shouldn’t “just do it” only because you feel like you have to for your partner. You shouldn’t do it also if you resent doing it, or if resentment is building up in your relationship. But do keep in mind much of your attitude about sex is under your control. If you are thinking actively negative thoughts about sex, you are not going to gain what you might if you consciously decided to keep a more open mind. So, tune your mind to the ‘positive’ frequency and you will be surprised at how much you will enjoy sex and want more of it, and therefore keep doing it.