When Your Child Prefers One Parent Over the Other — What It Really Means and How to Respond
It stings. Your child runs to your partner when they’re hurt, they want only them to tuck them in, and you’re suddenly the backup plan. That quiet ache you feel isn’t unusual — in fact, it’s something many parents go through, though few speak of it openly. When a child shows preference for one parent, it can spark feelings of rejection, jealousy, and even guilt. But the truth behind it is often more reassuring than you think.
What Preference Really Signals
Children go through developmental phases where they may feel more connected or comfortable with one parent. It doesn’t mean they love the other parent less. Sometimes, it’s about familiarity — who spends more time at home — or who soothes them in a way they currently need. These preferences are often fluid and shift with time and growth.
How It Affects the ‘Less Preferred’ Parent
It’s okay to feel hurt. Acknowledge your feelings without shame. But try not to take your child’s behaviour personally. Remember, parenting is not a popularity contest. Emotional security doesn’t always look like affection. Your role matters, even when it feels invisible.
Avoid Forcing Connection
When you notice a child leaning more toward the other parent, resist the urge to compete or guilt them into giving you attention. Instead, create gentle moments of connection — reading a bedtime story, preparing snacks together, or simply being present without pressure. Children respond to safety and consistency.
The Role of the ‘Preferred’ Parent
This isn’t a win. The parent who becomes the child’s go-to must also be sensitive to the other’s feelings. They can encourage shared moments — “Let’s show Mum your drawing together” or “Why don’t Dad and you read this one tonight?” Building bridges is key.
It’s a Phase, Not a Verdict
Childhood preferences are not lifelong decisions. They often arise during transitions like starting school, illness, or family changes. Your consistency, love, and availability build trust that eventually deepens your bond, regardless of temporary preferences.
Parenting isn’t about who the child picks first. It’s about showing up — again and again — with patience, presence, and love. If your child prefers one parent right now, take heart. Your value is not diminished. Your quiet presence is building something lasting, even if it’s not front and centre today. And one day, without prompt, they’ll run into your arms just because it feels like home.
