Intimacy is rarely introduced to women as a space for curiosity. Instead, it is framed as a destination to be reached quietly and politely, without too many questions. Sex follows a similar pattern, discussed in extremes, either cloaked in shame or presented as freedom, with little room for honesty. Between expectation and experience, many women are left trying to name what they actually want.
Robertta Bobbie has spent years sitting in that space, asking the questions most people avoid. A Kenyan writer and podcaster on ‘love and orgasms’, and a broadcast journalist, Robertta has made it her work to talk openly about sex, intimacy, and relationships. From television conversations to personal essays and podcasts, her focus is not just on sex itself, but on the deeper human need that often gets confused with it.
What stands out early in her thinking is a clear distinction many people miss: Sex and intimacy are not the same thing. Intimacy, she explains, exists across many forms of connection, familial, platonic, emotional, and personal. Yet today, especially among young people, sex is often treated as the quickest route to closeness.
“A lot of people are rushing towards sex thinking it will fill their need for intimacy,” she says. “But intimacy is something you build. It’s not something you stumble upon just because you slept with someone.”
This misunderstanding, she believes, has shaped much of modern dating culture. Situationships and casual encounters, are often driven by a yearning for connection, even when the structure itself does not allow for it.
Robertta’s understanding of desire goes beyond romance and sex. For her, desire is a broader yearning, one that reflects what a person is seeking at a particular moment in life. Sometimes it is love. Other times it is stability, growth, money, healing, or self-definition.
“Modern desire, for me, is not just about relationships,” she explains. “It’s about self-actualisation. When you start showing up as your best self, everything else follows. Your relationships, your finances, the way you live, even the way you experience intimacy.”
Her journey into sex education began early. As a child growing up in an environment where sexual information was heavily guarded, she noticed how much of popular culture revolved around romance, desire, and sex, while real conversations were discouraged. That gap stayed with her. Over time, curiosity turned into research, journaling, and eventually public writing. When she began sharing her own experiences online, the response made it clear she was not alone.
“There was a huge audience of people who had the same questions. I decided to learn, then break the information down into ways people could actually understand,” she says.
When it comes to dating apps and digital intimacy, Robertta holds a cautious view. While she acknowledges that online platforms can help some people connect, she believes women often approach them differently from men. For many women, dating apps represent hope for love or meaningful connection. For many men, she argues, they offer easy access to casual sex.
“The emotional cost usually lands on the woman. Even when casual sex is consensual, women often carry more of the physical, emotional, and psychological weight,” she explains.
Her concerns go beyond safety to what she calls false intimacy. Constant texting, calls, and online connection can create the illusion of closeness before people have even met. Real intimacy, she insists, cannot be verified through a screen.
“You don’t know someone until you’ve met them, been around them, seen how they treat others. Online communication can make you feel close, but that closeness can disappear the moment real life shows up” she says.
On the subject of casual sex, Robertta is unapologetically critical. While she recognises that Gen Z women are more vocal, self-aware, and intentional about their choices, she questions the idea that sex can truly be casual.
“To me, casual sex lacks accountability. One person often lacks boundaries, the other lacks honesty or communication. And women usually pay the higher price,” she says.
She rejects the popular framing of friends with benefits, arguing that once sex enters the equation, emotional consequences almost always follow. Jealousy, attachment, and imbalance are human reactions, not weaknesses.
“There’s nothing casual about something that can affect your mental health, your body, or your sense of self. Sex is the epitome of intimacy,” she says.
Still, Robertta does not position herself as the moral authority on how women should live. She believes freedom exists, but with responsibility. Sexual liberation, in her view, should leave a woman feeling more grounded, more confident, and more connected to herself.
“If it makes you happy, if it feels good, if it doesn’t harm you or anyone else, then do you,” she says. “But if you’re constantly feeling guilty, anxious, or empty, then that’s not liberation.”
Much of her work centres on boundaries. Sexual boundaries, she says, are rooted in self-knowledge. A woman must first understand herself before she can communicate her needs clearly. Learning to speak up is not instinctive; it is practised.
“Self-advocacy starts small,” she explains. “You practice saying what you want, what you don’t want. Over time, it becomes who you are.”
Importantly, she does not believe boundaries should change depending on the relationship. Standards, she says, are an extension of identity, not circumstance.
“If disrespect is a deal breaker, it should be a deal breaker everywhere. There are no exemptions,” she adds.
As conversations around sex become more open, Robertta sees growing space for sexual exploration and education across generations. She has spoken to audiences ranging from young adults to people in their sixties and seventies, many of whom are only now learning concepts like consent and coercion.
“This is the beauty of where we are. People are asking questions and learning. That matters,” she says.
Mental health, she adds, plays a critical role in intimacy. Consent, desire, and pleasure require clarity of mind. When a woman is anxious, depressed, or operating from fear, her sexual choices are often compromised.
“You can think you’re consenting when you’re actually acting under pressure. That’s not freedom,” she says.
Looking ahead, Robertta is optimistic. She believes women are moving toward greater confidence, self-knowledge, and agency, especially as they grow older. With age, she says, comes better decision-making, clearer boundaries, and deeper intimacy.
What she hopes will change most is how society talks about female desire. Shame, she argues, has silenced necessary conversations about women’s bodies and experiences for far too long.
“We need more women telling the truth. About pleasure, about menopause, about ovulation, about sex after childbirth. These conversations help all of us,” she notes.
Robertta explains that intimacy begins long before sex does- It begins in self-awareness, honesty, and in the courage to listen to one’s own needs without apology. For women navigating modern desire, this awareness becomes both a compass and a boundary.
Her message to women?
“Work on yourself. Build your life. Invest in your body, your mind, your money and your confidence. Learn more about sex and intimacy and understand what you truly want”
In choosing themselves first, women are not withdrawing from love or connection. They are redefining it, on their own terms.
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