Late last month, grief turned into controversy for Pastor Victor Kanyari and the family of his late ex-wife, gospel singer Betty Bayo. Their children, Sky Victor and Dani victor, were left motherless after Betty’s death, sparking intense public debate about who should assume custody.
Kanyari publicly challenged the opposition to him taking custody, arguing that, as their biological father, he deserved priority. He also indicated that he had secured plans to house them in a comfortable home, asserting he had always cared for them.
In a November 30 sermon, Kanyari reignited the debate by drawing a parallel between his situation and what he described as a non-contentious custody aftermath when the late Mugithi singer John DeMathew passed on. He questioned why DeMathew’s children were not the center of a similar public custody drama and in doing so made negative remarks about DeMathew’s family’s lifestyle.
He argued that even though DeMathew was openly polygamous and famous, factors that could complicate custody, the public reaction had never matched what was happening in his own case.
Kanyari’s remarks did not go down well with DeMathew’s family, especially his widow, Carolyne, a businesswoman and mother. For her, the comparison was not only insensitive but damaging to her name and sense of dignity.
Although Kanyari later issued a public apology, acknowledging that his words were inappropriate and committing to removing the video, Carolyne rejected it outright. She explained that invoking the DeMathew name in derogatory terms, especially when she and her children are still grieving, wounded her deeply.
In her own words she declared:
“Whenever the name DeMathew is mentioned, it affects and wounds me deeply because he was my husband, father to my kids, and the name Carolyne DeMathew is my brand, my source of income.”
She further clarified that she works hard for her income, does not depend on anyone, and has remained single since her husband’s passing. Her strong stance underscores the emotional weight and social implications of public remarks, especially when children are involved.
What this teaches us about family, grief and public scrutiny
This drama between Kanyari and Carolyne carries powerful lessons for families, especially in mourning, blended families, and custody issues:
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Words matter, publicly and privately. Comments made in sorrow or anger can have far-reaching consequences, not just for you, but for surviving spouses, children, and the wider family.
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Custody debates often carry emotional and reputational weight. Biological ties don’t automatically translate into acceptance by children, or by society. Stability, love, and respect matter more than legal arguments.
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Widows, widowers and children deserve dignity and privacy. In times of grief, the surviving family members, especially those left with a name and brand, need support, not scrutiny or judgment.
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Public apology might not lead to healing. An apology might close a chapter formally, but the emotional scars and social perceptions can linger, especially when children and reputations are involved.
For parents reading this: how to navigate grief and custody with care
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Communicate with compassion. If you lose a spouse and consider seeking custody, involve all stakeholders, children, relatives, and other caregivers and prioritize transparent, respectful conversations.
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Respect surviving parents/guardians. Whether the other parent is deceased or not, treat surviving spouses and guardians with dignity, especially in public.
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Protect your children’s emotional well-being. Shield them from public drama; prioritize their mental and emotional health over societal pressure or personal pride.
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Legal rights aren’t everything. While biological connection offers certain rights, children need more than that love, consistency, security, and respect matter more.
The custody conflict involving Pastor Victor Kanyari and the late Betty Bayo’s children is more than a headline, it’s a real-life drama that touches on grief, identity, dignity, and the well-being of children. For parents, both in public life and private, it’s a cautionary tale: how we speak about loss, family, and caretaking reflects not only on us but deeply affects those left behind.
As families, blended, broken, or bereaved, navigate custody, grief and healing, let compassion, respect, and dignity guide the steps.
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