Avoidant Attachment Style: Types, Triggers and The Path to Secure Connection

An avoidant attachment style is a result of trauma in relationships. Or unresponsive caregivers. Characterized by entering into a fight-or-flight response. Emotional closeness scares you.

There is no clear-cut explanation. For example, parents who are irregular with their affection. Nurture children who take on obstacles by themselves. Past trauma from interpersonal relationships is an additional factor.

 Avoidants fall into one of two categories: Fearful and dismissive.

Dismiss Those Around Them (Dismissive Avoidant)

You know your worth. You understand that you are worthy of love and capable of it. But everyone around you seems to be missing the mark. Do you have terrible taste? Or is it something else?

Fear Those Around Them (Fearful Avoidant)

Their mistrust ratings are through the roof. Emotional closeness only seems good in theory. The occasional flicker of vulnerability. Never the whole thing.

 But deep down, you perceive yourself as incapable of romantic love. 

Spotting Avoidants in The Wild

While others are securely or anxiously attached. There are those of us and those we know. Who avoid and sabotage our romantic prospects at every turn. Here’s how to know if your partner, friend, or loved one has an avoidant attachment.

Hyperindependence

Avoidant people are used to being alone. They excel in their careers, hit a consistent schedule. Have rituals that draw their attention away from the passage of time.

They’ve learned to avoid relying on anyone. Even if it means being reliable themselves. In relationships, this manifests in the form of a distant partner. Someone who prefers a solid routine and seclusion over showing up.

Disappearing Without Reason

 A tendency to pull away. This may be physically, virtually, or emotionally. They find it easier to handle their burden and tasks alone. Their partner’s needs overwhelm them. Avoidants lack trust in themselves to take the risk to co-regulate. This results in self-regulation. Which tears away at trust in a relationship.

Instead of asking or providing comfort or even opening up. An unaware avoidant, nine times out of ten, will take the familiar path of retreat.

Intimacy is a big NO

Avoidance of sex and other forms of intimacy. Because the thought of being close to someone elsis scary. What if they leave? What if they scare them away? If they can leave at a moment’s notice. Why give them any benefit of the doubt, right?

Avoidants Are Always Fine

They pick up late-night calls from a friend. Give the best advice in town. But when was the last time they asked for advice? Have you even seen their vulnerable side?

Avoidants have trouble expressing how they feel. This way, you never truly know what’s going on in their heads.

Can an Avoidant Change?

As either a dismissive or a fearful avoidant? The advice is plain, according to Dr. Allison Broennimann, a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology.

Make the shift. A leap of faith into secure attachment. It is, in fact, possible.

Take the Risk

The emotional stress of opening up, acceptance of your solitude, and realization of your value. They are all slippery milestones along the way. It may not be instant. There may be no magic pill. But ever so slightly, time and again. You will appreciate facing the truth.