How to lose your girl Pap!

Men have an innate ability to destroy a good relationship in a surprisingly short time. The day of lovers will be celebrated this month. This is a day when the talent of repelling seems to flourish most. Here are a few scenarios that guarantee you single status on February 14.

Take her out to a restaurant with DSTV

That you are a UK Premier League fanatic is no secret. Your love for the game makes your friends joke that you can postpone death if the grim reaper happens to come by while your team is playing. On one particular Sunday when circumstances sandwiched you between the proverbial rock and hard place, you missed the game. However, there will be a repeat match aired on DSTV the following day. Enter dilemma. Monday is Valentine’s Day and you really want to ‘net’ that girl who recently moved into your neighbourhood. Solution? Take your ladylove to a restaurant and make sure you sit facing the television. That way, you won’t miss the match and your girl will be busy with her tequilas. The down side in this scenario is that she will be thinking about your more thoughtful best friend.

Take her to your favourite nyama choma joint

The last time you took her out was to a nyama choma joint and she claimed to have enjoyed the treat immensely. So come Valentine’s Day, where do you take her? The same meat joint! Maybe the fact that your buddies, also regulars at that venue, kept her entertained caused you to miss her subtle signs of disdain. Not too long into the ‘date’, your dear valentine excuses herself from the table. You think she has gone to the washrooms to freshen up, but as time wears on without her re-appearing you finally realise she has actually made her way home. Just in case you still don’t get it, a smoky pub, uninvited guests and the sight of drunk men staggering about is no way to spend a day with a lady; at least not on the one day you are expected to be a total gentleman lover.

Take alcohol as if you are on a suicide mission

It’s almost a cave-man instinct to want to show off your abilities to the apple of your eye, in this case the lovely lass sitting across you. What better occasion than that of Valentine’s Day to prove your prowess. In all your wisdom, you choose this particular day to demonstrate your high tolerance for alcohol. So you order glass after glass of the most expensive and lethal concentrations of the alcohol family, in the hope that she realises that you can drink without getting drunk. A slurred speech on how drunk men are great in bed confirms to your companion what a total loser you are. Who wants to date, much less marry, a man whose paycheck is cashed at the bar? Thankful for the revelation come-early, she grabs her purse and leaves you to your drunken stupor.

Go out with the idea that her ‘No’ means ‘Yes’

The Council of the ‘wise ones’, also known as ‘the boys’ somehow put it in your head that females are very indecisive, so anything they say should be taken to mean the opposite. Somehow, a peck on the cheek is her way of demanding a French kiss or a ‘No, not tonight’ response is the green light to take her to bed! All you have to do is keep the drinks flowing, if only to keep her in the correct state of mind to ‘enjoy’ your advances. Come morning, she is nowhere to be found and you assume you are in the clear. Alas! A visit from the boys in blue sees you frog-marched to the all too uncomfortable land cruiser, whisked to the police station and booked for date rape! The next time you lay your eyes on your valentine is in court as she breathes fire in her testimony against you. In an effort to make an example out of you, the judge rules that you be jailed for no less than ten years, and that’s only if you’re lucky. A life sentence is not that uncommon in this day and age.

All in all, I wish all “real” men a Valentine’s Day to remember. Treat the ladies well. They deserve every bit of it!